THE AFFAIR YOU JUSTIFY by ACHUCKAllen
I counsel with a lot of couples attempting to help salvage their marriage. It’s not really part of the job, but after two marriages equaling more than 37 years, blending two families with 6 daughters, it’s seems to find me. On far too many occasions, I sit with a couple where one of them has been unfaithful in choosing infidelity over love, and the act that the Bible says is to be “held in high honor among all people.”
I’ve seen, up close the results of such unfaithful acts play out in the weeping eyes and broken hearts of their spouse, children and the “other family.” It is devastating to sit with folks that would give anything to go back to the days of “I do” rather than the day of “oh-no.” If you are reading this article and you were, or are the guilty party, please do not attempt to lecture me or justify your gutless act of selfishness…in any way. Please do not insult me with lines like, “you don’t know how bad it was.” There is never a reason to slink around like a jackal and try to play the victim.
But frankly, I meet with far more couples that are experiencing a more silent, yet equally deadly affair. This one is the affair of “MORE.” This dangerous affair of the heart, mind and soul can be camouflaged in drivenness, finances, debt, selfishness, raising children, and even good works. It robs the relationship of winning together, of striving together. It sneaks into a marriage and starts sapping the trust and enjoyment and value once buzzing in that “I can’t live without you feeling.”
If you are in a marriage where this affair is blazing through the fields of intimacy and joy, take heed. This affair can leave you alone in an alley and in full blown collapse. I’m taking a chapter of a book and whittling it down to these few thoughts about escaping the trap of the MORE AFFAIR.
- Speak up, but speak clearly. Many of us wrap the brick up with so many pillows, that our target doesn’t know when it hits them. Speak in love, but be prepared to point out exactly what you are trying to say. Don’t leave things at the “even when you are here, you aren’t here talk.” BE SPECIFIC!
- Don’t assume that your spouse, that is cheating on you with work or exercise or helping with the scouts, or even at church…LOOKING FOR MORE…understands what is happening. Take a three step approach. 1) Pray for them and pray for wisdom to know how to bring it up and discuss this affair. 2) Be patient. Most folks, male or female think they are doing something that is for you or your kids, while often accomplishing the opposite. 3) Take the initiative and start scheduling some “date-nights” that are more than your local Chili’s and your favorite show on your DVR. Try a new place, grab a list of the best burger in town and give em a try. Just get out of the norm and create a new environment that can change your view.
- Keep you concerns between the two of you, not the two of you after your bff’s, parents and children hear your concerns. If you want the spark back, keep the matches between the two of you. I promise you that this is critical!
- Don’t crawl in a hole, or lash out in a rage. You’ll only make the point for their MORE AFFAIR. Get your emotions and accusations under control and speak in love…but again, speak clearly.
- And if you need help, call a reliable third party that only has motivation. And that is to help you get back to love as it was once experienced and cherished by YOU! Contact a counselor, pastor or therapist…not a family member. If you need a reference, please call my office at 770.945.5092.
Under the Same Wing,