Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Marriage

4forFRIDAY with Chuck Allen

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Week seventeen of 2023 is almost in the books, and it has been a busy but productive week. I trust that yours has been awesome and that YOUR WEEKEND AHEAD WILL BE AWESOME! I’d like to share a prayer for peace that might benefit you – God, it seems that every time I turn on the news, the world gets a little worse each day. I know sin has ravaged this planet, and the world will lack complete peace until you return. Nevertheless, I ask that you intervene in the world and grant us peace. Help us to find more ways to love our neighbors and show the world your goodness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Four Lessons That I Learned This Week.

1. Choose peace each morning. It is a choice, not just an aspiration. Look in the mirror and chase after peace.

2. Live a life of service. Every person on earth was created to serve others. The person that serves is more often equally blessed than the recipient.

3. You are not your job. Recent research says that we Americans put far too much emphasis on our careers as a way of creating our identity. Big mistake. You are far more than what you do!

4. It’s okay to stop and think. Our desire to keep moving leaves little room for God to move as we wait on eagle wings. Progress and productivity are not the same as following the desire of God for your life. It is always a great idea to stop and hear from the Lord. His plans are worthy of waiting on!

This Week’s 4forFRIDAY – Four Great Articles

11 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Adultery

Small Acts of Kindness Matter More Than You Think

Can I Trust Jesus?

Firefighters Mow Elderly Man’s Yard: When Identity Empowers Influence

A Quote from Henri Nouwen:

“Although it is important and even indispensable for the spiritual life to set apart time for God and God alone, prayer can eventually become unceasing prayer when all our thoughts, beautiful and ugly, high and low, prideful and shameful, sorrowful and joyful, can be thought in the presence of God.”

Go in Peace, Chuck

KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE FRESH

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Five Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Fresh And Strong

Having a strong and healthy marriage takes effort and dedication. Whether you’ve been married for a few years or decades, it’s essential to keep the spark and connection alive. In today’s article, we’ll explore five tips to help you do just that—avoiding the stale routine of your daily life and reigniting your relationship. Read on to find out more!

Let’s Start with Communication

In any relationship, communication is vital. This is especially true in marriage. When you’re married, you’re sharing your life with someone else, and communicating effectively is crucial to maintain a strong relationship. Communication is far and away the most significant challenge of all the marital challenges I hear about in my office. The Bible says that the state of the heart comes out of the mouth. In other words, you cannot hide what is truly in your heart. It’s coming out of your mouth sooner or later, usually sooner.

Here are five tips for keeping your communication strong in marriage:

  1. Talk openly and honestly with each other. Marriage is built on trust, so it’s essential to be open and honest with each other about your thoughts and feelings. If you’re feeling something, say it. Don’t bottle things up. Trying to appease with silence while needing to be heard is a recipe for marital disharmony on a large scale. Talk with each other – regularly, about everything.
  2. Listen to each other. It’s not just about talking. It’s also about listening. Really listen to what your spouse is saying and try to understand their perspective. If you need clarification, ask. Without defensiveness, simply ask. Assumptions are killers in communication.
  3. Be patient with each other. Sometimes you don’t see eye-to-eye, but it’s important to be patient with each other and work through disagreements calmly and respectfully. The keywords here are calm and respectful. I’m not suggesting that accomplishing that is easy, but it is essential.
  4. Show appreciation and value for each other. Take the time to show your spouse how much you appreciate and value them – whether through words or actions (or both). A little appreciation can go a long way in a marriage! When we stop conveying gratitude, we start lessening value. When we start lessening value, love begins to dissipate greatly.
  5. Pray together often. Keep the lines of communication horizontally (with each other) by strengthening your communication vertically (with the Divine). This is a secret sauce for couples of all ages. I am convinced you cannot harbor bitterness, anger, or resentment as the two of you enter God’s throneroom. Don’t dramatize it. Just talk to God about the day ahead and the days just past. He cannot wait to hear from you.

Spending Quality Time Together

It’s no secret that marriages can sometimes become stale. The excitement and passion of the early days can fizzle out, leaving you feeling more like roommates than partners. But it doesn’t have to be this way! You can do plenty of things to keep your marriage fresh and robust. Here are five tips:

  1. Spend quality time together. This means putting away your phones, turning off the TV, and focusing on each other. Have deep conversations, share laughs, and enjoy each other’s company.
  2. Get out of your comfort zone together. Trying new things can help spice up your relationship and rekindle the spark. Whether exploring a new hobby or taking a trip to an exotic destination, breaking out of your routine will excite your marriage. Even a simple old habit like bowling, roller skating, or a cheap date night can invigorate your relationship.
  3. Be thoughtful and romantic with each other. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most in a relationship. Make sure you’re showing your partner how much you care, whether with a heartfelt gift or simply telling them how much you love them every day. Leave a love note. Bring home flowers. Just keep in mind that marriage is like all of life. What you reap, you sow.
  4. Communicate openly and honestly about everything – both the good and the bad. Marriage is all about communication, so ensure you always share your thoughts and feelings. It’s the only way to grow closer as a couple truly. Hey husbands, this includes the recap of your day!
  5. Keep the physical intimacy alive in your marriage. This doesn’t just have to be about having sex. Often, the most intimate things are a simple kiss, holding hands, or even a welcomed hug. Touch is so important and so fun. Don’t miss God’s gift of feeling loved through physical touch.

Setting Boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries in your marriage to keep it strong and fresh.
Here are five tips for doing so:

  1. Make time for each other. Set aside time every week to reconnect with your spouse. This can be as simple as going on a date night or having a weekend getaway. The key is consistency.
  2. Communicate openly and honestly. Marriage isn’t always easy, but it’s important to communicate about what’s going on in your life. This will help you stay connected and work through any challenges together.
  3. Respect each other’s space and privacy. It’s important to respect each other’s needs for space and privacy. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but it does mean respecting each other’s point of view.
  4. Be willing to compromise. In any relationship, there will be times when you need to compromise to move forward. If you’re both willing to meet in the middle, it’ll help keep your marriage strong. The goal is to stop trying to prove you are right and start making things right!
  5. Seek help if needed. If you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t be afraid to seek professional help together. This can be a great way to get back on track and improve your relationship overall.

Understanding Each Other’s Needs

In any relationship, understanding what your spouse needs and wants is essential. It can be easy to get caught up in your own life and thoughts and forget to ask your spouse about their day or how they’re feeling. Be cautious not to fall into the trap of “but they should know what I mean, or they should know what I need.” More often than not, they cannot read your mind or your emotions.

One way to proactively keep your marriage strong is by regular check-ins with each other. This can be done in person, via text, or even over the phone if you’re both busy during the day. Simply asking how your partner is doing and what they need from you can go a long way. My favorite part of each day is when Jenny asks me what each day’s highs, lows, and challenges are, and I return the same questions with her.

Remember that everyone is different and will have different needs at different times. One day your partner may want nothing more than a hug, while another day, they may need you to handle all the logistics for dinner so they can relax. Pay attention and be fully present for them when they need you.

And finally, don’t forget to communicate your own needs as well! If you’re feeling overwhelmed or like you’re not getting enough attention, speak up. A happy marriage is one where both partners feel heard and supported. This builds and conveys value, trust, and love!

Good communication is vital to a successful marriage. Understanding each other’s needs can keep your relationship healthy, secure, and full of love.

Keeping the Romance Alive

It can be easy to let the romance slide in a long-term relationship. Life gets busy, kids come along, and suddenly you and your partner are more like roommates than lovers. But it’s essential to keep the spark alive in your marriage—not just for your own happiness, but for the sake of your relationship. Here are five tips for keeping the romance alive in your marriage:

  1. Make time for each other. It’s important to carve out time together as a couple, even if it’s just a few minutes every day. Whether you take a walk together after dinner or spend an evening together on the sofa, make sure you have quality time together without distractions.
  2. Plan special outings and date nights. Sometimes, a change of scenery is all it takes to bring some excitement back into your relationship. Plan an overnight getaway or a special evening out with just the two of you. And don’t forget to keep the romance going during regular date nights by trying new things and mixing up your routine.
  3. Get physical! Physical touch is integral to intimacy, so ensure you’re showing affection through hugs, kisses, and sex—whatever works for you as a couple. If you’re not feeling sexual now, find other ways to be close physically, such as cuddling or massage. You’re welcome.

Marriage is one of the greatest joys in life, and it can be made even richer with intentional effort. I trust that these tips for keeping your marriage fresh and strong have given you some ideas to strengthen your bond with your spouse. Whether you’re looking to spice things up or deepen the friendship between the two of you, these tips will help create a stronger relationship built on understanding and love.

Go in Peace, Chuck

A Simple Conversation that Matters

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AChuckAllen

I realize that I’m a bit odd. I mean, I know that I’m weird. First, I’m a pastor that works hard at attempting to be normal. Second, I am allergic to chit-chat. No, really! I would never say that I like chatting in the sense of getting together for no purpose other than a chat.

However, I greatly appreciate a conversation grounded in purpose. Purpose feels like an accomplishment, reasoning, debating, sharpening, or resolving.

That’s why I know that the following conversation is a double win for you and your friend, child, parent, or spouse. Maybe even all the above!

Build these three questions into your daily routine and watch how your relationships improve with each day that you engage your person (s) of choice.

1. Start with YOUR BEST: What’s the best thing that happened yesterday?

2. Then Tackle the Worst. What’s the worst that’s happened (or is happening) today?

3. Then Add Prayer. What can I specifically pray for you today?

Please be sure to keep it simple. Keep it very real. Keep it truthful. Once you commit to asking, be equally committed to answering. Here’s the essential element in this brief, personal, purposeful conversation – actually pray for them!

If you don’t have anyone to have this conversation with, let your prayer be that you’ll discover them this week. In the meantime, feel free to send me an email and answer these questions. I’ll reply with my answers and pray earnestly for you.

Go In Peace, Chuck

Need help? At Clear Path Counseling, we believe that reaching out for help is hard enough; finding it should be straightforward and simple. Just CLICK HERE and start your free assessment. You can finish your complimentary assessment in less than 10-minutes!

ClearPathCounseling.org

3 Proactive Steps to a Healthy Marriage

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AChuckAllen.com

In yesterday’s article, I offered 3 Pitfalls that you can willfully choose to avoid in your marriage.

In today’s article, I’d like to offer 3 Simple Steps that You Can Take to Create a Healthier Marriage.

  1. Proactively discover and deliver what your spouse appreciates and receives value from. In my wife’s case, this involves small things like, planning date nights. It includes the occassional bundle of fresh cut flowers brought home or left at home for her. It definitely involves full faced attention when she’s talking to me. How did I discover these things? Honestly, I asked, or I learned. Trust me on this one – asking is the way to go! When I talked about assumptions in yesterday’s article, this is one example of that. Go ahead and ask what they would like for you to do, become, or stop doing that would feel like a gift to them. It’s not bio-engineering. It’s a simple conversation over dinner. Once you have HEARD what your spouse describes as something they would feel like, when offered is a gift – deliver on it. Then learn the frequency with which you are to deliver. I’ll promise you that this is so easy to do and so powerful when done!
  2. Set a specific time that the two of you are going to talk about your day. This requires that we put our phones down, turn off the television, and actually talk about the highs, the lows, the good and the bad in your day. Here’s the best advice that I can give you on this effort – be completely present as you listen, not just when you are speaking! If you are a time-crunched couple, or you are “not very good at sitting still,” then have the conversation while you take a walk. The power of simply talking about your individual days is a powerful way to stay emotionally and romantically connected. By the way, this doesn’t have to be an hour long talk. Be sensitive to your sweetheart’s tolerence for chatting. Remember, this is helpful for you, but is designed to be powerfully helpful for y’all.
  3. Learn the power of praying together, out loud. I realize that I must sound like a broken record on this subject, but when Jenny and I pray together, it is such an intimate time between us. Triangulating the conversation between you, your spouse and God is supernatural. I am supremely confident that you cannot hold on to bitterness, pettiness, anger, or disappointment once you have sat in God’s lap and talked it out with Him. Again, be aware of your spouse’s tolerance level. Their spiritual maturity might be significantly lesser than yours on any given day. Be sensitive to that. I know plenty of Christians that weaponize their personal spiritual maturity against their partner. It ALWAYS BACKFIRES! Don’t fall prey to the urge to pray silently. I urge you to discover just how awesome it is to pray with your spouse – out loud and together!

I hope that you’ve been encouraged by this two-part series and will consider instigating these ideas into your marriage. I’d love to hear from you, so please give me a shout at chuck@achuckallen.com – and let me know what works in your marriage.

Peace, Chuck

If you are looking for a bit of weekly inspiration, please join in the conversation each Thursday, as Julie Homrich and I INTEGRATE FAITH & PSYCHOLOGY on the POSITIVE TALK PODCAST.

The Taxes We Pay

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The Taxes We Pay with ACHUCKAllen

It’s that time of year, again. Tax Time. Its that day when you look at your previous years income and realize that you have paid for a lot of Americanism. If you lived in the Ukraine, Syria, or Somali, you’d gladly pay those taxes to have the freedom and prosperity that we enjoy, here in the USofA. 

But there are other taxes we pay. 

  • There is a tax on leading anything: You will be criticized. 
  • There is a tax on being a parent: You will be broken-hearted. 
  • There is a tax on a happy marriage: You will learn to sacrificially compromise. 
  • There is a tax on Peace: You must remain strong. 
  • There is a tax on friendships: You learn to hurt when they hurt and celebrate when they celebrate. 
  • There is a tax on serving others: You will be taken advantage of. 
  • There is a tax on loving Jesus – Openly: You will be hated and belittled. 
  • There is a tax on sin: Be sure your sin will find you out. 
  • There is a tax on giving: Living with an open hand will cost you something. 

Whatever we do, that truly counts for something worthwhile, will cost us something. King David said, “I will not bring an offering to the Lord, which costs me nothing.” 

Let’s be found guilty of paying the tax on leading, loving and serving well. Let’s not grumble over that tax because King David is still right, in 2017. Live loud, live large, and live this life with an open hand. That will require a tax – a tax well spent. 

Peace — AChuck