Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Friendship

Two Lessons I’ve Learned Since My Last Birthday

by

October 11, 2021

I turned 62 years old yesterday. In the past 365 days I’ve learned so many things about this world, and about me. Out of all the various lessons learned, these two have become the most significant in my life. I pray that they will be an encouragement to you on this Monday..

  1. You only have a few people that truly love you. Invest your life into being the very best you that you can be – for them. I have hundreds of meaningful acquaintances. I have dozens of meaningful relationships. I have a few really good friends. Even fewer extraordinary friends. And then there is my family. I’m beyond blessed. Six daughters, seven grandchildren, and an amazingly wonderful wife. I love what I do, who I serve, and where I live. I’m as perfectly imperfect as you can get, and yet, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. What is the key to this life I am describing? Realizing how incredibly grateful I am and expressing that in the following order: 1) God, I’m grateful for these people today. 2) God, I’m grateful for these two things today. Start every single day with gratitude. I promise you that this small addition to your morning routine will radically change the trajectory of your attitude and your perspective.
  2. Social media isn’t your friend. It will cause you to waste time, act impetuously, present yourself as you are not, and create new insecurity, and lack of security. Determine to cut your social media time to less than 15 minutes each day for one week, then less than 10 minutes the next week. Replace whatever time you would have spent on social media with reading a book or magazine. Maybe even the Bible. This is equally true for your preferred news channel. Both social media and so-called news channels will rob you of peace and joy. Walk away from both of these peace and time thieves.

Both of these simple changes will provide a greater degree of peace, time, joy, and contentment in your life. It really will! If you are like most Americans, you could use a considerable increase of peace, time, joy, and contentment. Why on earth would you not try and invite these four elements into your life?

Peace, Chuck

How to Fix the World

by

AChuckAllen.com

I know! Who would possibly think you could fix all of the world’s problems in one article? Well, I’m not so naive as to believe that you can improve the world with the following seven ideas, but I’ll guarantee you, these seven would radically make our world a better place to live in.

Seven ways to FIX THE WORLD.

  1. SLOW DOWN. Seriously, slow your life down and get off the hamster wheel. Constant hurry robs you of your peace and happiness. Always running creates health and emotional sink holes in our lives. Science and faith agree on this. Research on naps, meditation, nature walks and the habits of exceptional artists and athletes reveal how mental breaks increase productivity, replenish attention, solidify memories and encourage creativity. The Scriptues remind us of our need to “be still.” I find myself, and many of my circle of friends are addicts. Addicted to productivity to the degree that productivity hacks become our life’s theology. That’s a dangerous slope to live on.
  2. DON’T BE A BUTTHEAD. I’m passionate about this one. If every morning we chose to not be a butt with each other, life would be so much better. Here are a few thoughts that might apply to you.
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to “That Annoying Person in Your Life” – I think of dealing with annoying people like managing a dam on a river. Every annoying thing they do is water flowing into the reservoir. You can manage that by letting water pass over the dam, or you can let it build until the dam breaks. The dam breaking is you being a jerk and screaming, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DIET! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY?!”
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to a Butthead. When presented with butthead behavior, just take a deep breath and put yourself in their shoes. Your responding in kind just escalates whatever negative stuff that’s in the air. If you can help it, do so.
    -Don’t Be a Butthead Because You’re Having a Bad Day. We all have bad days. Maybe your child is sick, a project is late, or a supplier sent parts that were all damaged in transit. Stuff happens to all of us, but not everyone responds by being a butthead. If the bad thing is your fault, own it, and move on. The worst your employer can do is fire you, and I’d rather be fired for messing up (as we all do from time to time) than for being a butthead. The people around you will see that you handled this setback with grace, and it will be remembered. If you handle stress by being a butthead, that will also be remembered.
  3. TURN OFF YOUR DEVICES. Imagine a day without answering every text like your life depends on it. Or stopping at a traffic light without checking your email. How about this – can you imagine talking with your family rather than comparing your likes and follows with everyone else?
    -Your brain will work better. By now most of you have heard of the many scientific studies that show the brain can’t actually multitask. What feels like multitasking to us is actually the brain switching rapidly among tasks. It feels good, and provides plenty of stimulation–something the brain tends to like. But it makes us the opposite of productive.
    -You’ll get better at solving problems. The biggest concern with constant connectedness is that people stop thinking. It’s very hard to think when you’re constantly interrupted, or distracted.
  4. FIND YOUR SACRED SILENCE. Two ideas with this one: 1) Every day, we all need to have a few minutes to meditate prayerfully, and 2) We could all talk less and make less noise. What a wonderful world it would be if we had less noise in our lives?
    –Silence offers opportunities for self-reflection and daydreaming, which activates multiple parts of the brain. It gives us time to turn down the inner noise and increase awareness of what matters most. And it cultivates mindfulness — recognition and appreciation of the present moment.
    – Silence also has physical benefits. “When we’re frazzled, our fight-or-flight response is on overload causing a host of problems,” says Dr. Sullivan. “We can use calm, quiet moments to tap into a different part of the nervous system that helps shut down our bodies’ physical response to stress.”
    – That means, being still and silent can help you: Lower your blood pressure Decrease your heart rate Steady your breathing. Reduce muscle tension. Increase focus and cognition.
  5. LEARN THE POWER OF GRATITUDE. We humans are naturally selfish, greedy, and ungrateful. If we were to experience widespread gratitude, we would become aware that when you are grateful, what you have is more than enough.
    – “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” – Harvard University
  6. EXERCISE MINIMALISM. When we become grateful, we exercise minimalism. Minimalism is the art, and appreciation of less is more. We stop buying what we do not need, and we stop comparing what we have to everyone else.
    -Minimalism isn’t just a concept that helps us reorganize our homes and lives in a more effective and aesthetically pleasing manner. In fact, minimalism can be a helpful way to combat mental illness of all degrees of severity, from anxiety to schizophrenia and back.
  7. PRIORITIZE JESUS. I know this to be true. When we get Jesus in the proper priority within our life, we will get every other issue right. Notice that I didn’t say, get your going to church life, right? I didn’t say, look more christianly, or talk more like a church person. It’s this simple – properly prioritize Jesus and watch how all the world’s pettiness and angst are replaced with peace, contentment, and gracious living.
    – When asked what was the most important commandment, Jesus dropped the mic, when He said, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others].’ The whole Law and the [writings of the] Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

I never said it would be easy, but it is simple.
Seven personal steps to better the world – immediately!

Peace, Chuck

A Simple Conversation that Matters

by

AChuckAllen

I realize that I’m a bit odd. I mean, I know that I’m weird. First, I’m a pastor that works hard at attempting to be normal. Second, I am allergic to chit-chat. No, really! I would never say that I like chatting in the sense of getting together for no purpose other than a chat.

However, I greatly appreciate a conversation grounded in purpose. Purpose feels like an accomplishment, reasoning, debating, sharpening, or resolving.

That’s why I know that the following conversation is a double win for you and your friend, child, parent, or spouse. Maybe even all the above!

Build these three questions into your daily routine and watch how your relationships improve with each day that you engage your person (s) of choice.

1. Start with YOUR BEST: What’s the best thing that happened yesterday?

2. Then Tackle the Worst. What’s the worst that’s happened (or is happening) today?

3. Then Add Prayer. What can I specifically pray for you today?

Please be sure to keep it simple. Keep it very real. Keep it truthful. Once you commit to asking, be equally committed to answering. Here’s the essential element in this brief, personal, purposeful conversation – actually pray for them!

If you don’t have anyone to have this conversation with, let your prayer be that you’ll discover them this week. In the meantime, feel free to send me an email and answer these questions. I’ll reply with my answers and pray earnestly for you.

Go In Peace, Chuck

Need help? At Clear Path Counseling, we believe that reaching out for help is hard enough; finding it should be straightforward and simple. Just CLICK HERE and start your free assessment. You can finish your complimentary assessment in less than 10-minutes!

ClearPathCounseling.org

How’s Your MOB?

by

AChuckAllen

I’m not writing about an unruly mob. I’m referring to an acrostic for M-O-B.

  • MARGIN IN YOUR LIFE
  • OWNERSHIP OF YOUR LIFE
  • BOUNDARIES AROUND YOUR LIFE

Oh, how I wish that I had learned the value of margin in my life 30 years ago! One of the most significant elements of a peace-filled, highly successful life is margin. We all need margin. We need margin emotionally, relationally, financially, professionally, physically, and spiritually. Margin allows us to be in sync with our families, realities, bodies, and possibilities. The only person that can build an appropriate margin for you is you. You know what you need. It would be best if you slowed down long enough to determine what adjustments are required to give you a helpful margin in every facet of your life.

We all must take ownership of all things that we can control. Owning what we can control requires two huge issues. Stop convincing yourself that you are a victim and surrendering your heart to your Creator. Ownership includes claiming what you can and should do to order your life. Surrendering is allowing the Spirit of God to give you direction and correction as you live each day to the fullest.

Margin, ownership, and then boundaries. Without boundaries, we don’t own our calendars, finances, or decisions. Without borders, other people own us and our dreams. Without limitations, we surrender our potential to others. Boundaries are critical to both margin and ownership. When we do not define our boundaries, we say yes to everything. Without boundaries, we overcommit, underdeliver, and stay frustrated with our schedules and ourselves. Boundaries protect us relationally and financially. Boundaries keep our feet out of our mouths. Boundaries keep our focus in the right place.

Without MOB, we all have the power to spin out of control, make poor decisions, and destroy relationships. It’s worth a few hours of your life to invest in creating your margin, ownership, and boundaries.

Peace, Chuck

3 Simple Ways to Make Your Day Better

by

AChuckAllen.com

It’s like a broken record. “How are you?” “ Good, I’m good.” “But how are you, really?”
“I’m tired, frustrated, anxious, and tired of being tired.”

Okay, now we are talking!

Here are three super simple ways to make today better.

1. Don’t watch or listen to the news on any outlet. The rants and verbal assaults have a way of sucking you into a vortex of negativity. Get outside, go for a walk, play cards, read, paint, anything but watch the news. Again, it doesn’t matter which outlet you prefer – avoid the news today! Science teaches us that nature can change our attitudes and thought patterns. Just go outside.

2. Determine to be nice to someone today. I don’t think you have to make a meal for someone or cut their grass. Just be determined to smile, say hello, tip well, or help someone by opening a door. Anything that allows your brain to tell your body, way to go! The science proves this is a no-brainer. If you want to have a better day, be intentionally nice. It’s not complicated. It costs nothing. Here’s the kicker – you are the winner!

3. Do two things out loud today. First, find a song you’ve liked for years, then sing it like you are on The Voice. I’m talking about singing as if you can really sing. Or better yet, sing it like you are in a duet with the original artist. Just sing one song out loud! Second, talk to the Divine – out loud. If you are angry with Him, tell Him. He can handle it. If you are fearful, tell Him. If you are grateful, tell Him. Just talk to your Creator as if He were right there with you – because He is. Speak with God out loud. I promise you that this conversation will change your day for good!

We all need a better day, so what do you have to lose?

  • Avoid negativity, especially when you can choose to.
  • Determine to be friendly, or at least nicer to those in your path.
  • Sing loud and proud.
  • Pray big, pray loud, pray sincerely – but pray, out loud.

May you and yours have a better day. And May you go throughout your day in peace.

—Chuck

3 Avoidable Marriage Pitfalls

by

AChuckAllen.com

I’ve heard it said that “marriage isn’t easy.” However, I’ve also heard that a marriage that survives and thrives takes work. While I agree with both of those statements, marriage shouldn’t be too hard and require that much work. After all, we loved our spouse enough to say I do without ever thinking that we might say I don’t.

After countless couples that have sought my counsel on marriage and having been married for a collective 40 years, I’ve learned some basics. This is part one of a two-part article on marriage and the simple steps to avoid and the simple steps to include in your relationship.

Here are three avoidable mistakes that might become pitfalls in your marriage. I pray that they are helpful.

  1. Assumptions – Assumptions will literally kill your marriage. The most assumed assumption? “They should know what I need.” My next on the wicked list of assumptions is that “they should know what I think.” If you can recall the television show, “Home Improvement” you’ll remember that in each episode, Jill tells Tim something and he totally messes the intent up. Time winds up in the backyard with Wilson, and Wilson serves as his marriage counselor. Tim then has a light bulb moment and he and Jill get things back together. In real life, it’s never that short or that simpe to fix. Please avoid assuming that your spouse knows what you need, or what you think. Have a discussion about needs, wants, hopes, and aspiriations. Assumptions will create a train wreck in your hopes and dreams. Never assume that your spouse, no matter how close you are, or how well they can complete your sentences knows your needs, hopes, feelings, or values. Love them enough to let them into your world. After all, you are now “one flesh.”
  2. Untruths – Spoken or Unspoken – I hear this one all the time and I’ve lived this in my own life. Maybe you are witholding a simple little truth in hopes that you are “protecting your spouse.” That’s just a lie that you are justifying because you don’t want to deal with it. Yes, your spouse might be angry with you. Yes, you most likely will argue about it. But here’s the real deal. You will deal with it. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Til death. Untruths will create a deep divide that can crater a marriage faster than anything I have seen. If it’s big – tell the truth. If it’s small – tell the truth. I promise you that this is one of those pitfalls that will bite you and leave a mark. It’s not complicated. Tell the truth. All of the truth!
  3. Tech Secrets – I can’t count the number of marriages that have entered my office for counsel and when we got to the central theme of the issues, spouse A discovered something on spouse B’s phone, tablet, or computer. Sometimes it’s obvious, like porn or an inappropriate text conversation with another person. Sometimes it’s thoughts about in-laws or children, or blended family talk outside of the home. Here’s a good rule of thumb; If you cannot hand your phone to your spouse without hiding something, password protecting something, or turning off your locations, you might have a serious problem. If you cannot leave your phone sitting on the bedside table while you shower or walk the dog, you might have a problem. If you have to double check to make sure that your spouse might see something when they ask to use your phone, you definitely have a problem. The answer isn’t to have secret apps, or secret, seperate phones. The answer is don’t do stupid stuff on your devices. Keep you technology zippers zipped and your social media status buttons buttoned.

As I said, it’s pretty simple. Avoid these three pitfalls, and you’ll save yourself a world of hurt feelings, arguments, misunderstandings, and relational fatigue. I’ll be back tomorrow with “Three simple Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage.”

Peace, Chuck

Looking for help? Go to ClearPathCounseling.org and spend
less than ten minutes completing your free assessment.