Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Kindness

Happy People Don’t Do These 4 Things

by

AChuckAllen

It seems odd to suggest that in this world, you can accelerate happiness in your life. But you actually can create a sense of peace and genuine happiness within your soul if you so desire. If that’s the case, then why are so many people unhappy?

In a recent article from Discovery Magazine, I read the following; “The richest countries are not happiest, the healthiest countries are not always the happiest. The happiest countries are the ones who do have the highest levels of a whole range of things,” says John Helliwell, an editor of The World Happiness Report and professor emeritus of the Vancouver School of Economics. “They include, especially, a willingness to trust each other to work for each other and to come together in times of difficulty.”

From that and our everyday life experiences, we know this to be true. I’ve heard from countless people that “money can’t buy happiness.” Or my favorite, “stuff can only make you temporarily happy.”

I’ve written plenty of things you can do to increase your happiness, but here are four things that genuinely happy people DON’T DO.

  1. Genuinely Happy People Don’t Compare Themselves to Others. Eckhart Tolle once said, “Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love — you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.” Staying in comparison mode will rob you of the lovely soul that the Divine created to be you. God made no mistake when you were created. Every molecule that helps make you the incredible, fantastic you are unique, and wonderful has a purpose that only you can deliver into this world. To compare your awesomeness is a discredit to both you and God. You know what you’re worth, right? Happy folks do because they don’t seek validation outside of themselves. Happy people understand that it comes from a sense of self-awareness — in their way.
  2. Genuinely Happy People Aren’t Selfish, They Serve Others. Every study on the planet proves this to be true. Give a bit of your time, your skill, your kindness, and yourself, and watch happiness wash into your soul. A Chinese saying goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” Our passion should be the foundation for our serving others. It is not how much we give away but how much love we put into giving it. It should not be simply a matter of choosing the right thing, but also the importance of deciding what is suitable for us. God said that He loves a cheerful giver. Like all of life…it’s a matter of our hearts.
  3. Genuinely Happy People Aren’t Rigid. Every time I meet a happy person, I seem to discover this truth – they are naturally flexible. If I could add one piece of scripture to the New Testament, I’d add another Beatitude to Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. When we remain flexible, we remain less stressed and less anxious. Hence, we are happier. Staying fixed in our certainty can steal the happiness from our soul. Discover the joy and margin found in your flexibility. My addition? Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
  4. Genuinely Happy People Guard Their Yes and No. Happiness is often connected to having a margin in our calendar and schedule. When we say yes to everyone and everything, we might be fueling an addiction to please people. I’ve discovered that this addiction is as powerful as alcohol, cocaine, or nicotine. Without guarding our yes and no answers, we give away our margin, grow frustrated with others, and punish both ourselves and those we love. If you want to choose happiness, guard your yes, and no’s.

Don’t settle for temporal happiness when you were created for meaningful, purposeful, and eternal happiness. Get grounded in your faith, your family, and your community. Then stop comparing yourself to anybody, give yourself away, get flexible, and guard your yes and no.

Peace, Chuck

How to Fix the World

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AChuckAllen.com

I know! Who would possibly think you could fix all of the world’s problems in one article? Well, I’m not so naive as to believe that you can improve the world with the following seven ideas, but I’ll guarantee you, these seven would radically make our world a better place to live in.

Seven ways to FIX THE WORLD.

  1. SLOW DOWN. Seriously, slow your life down and get off the hamster wheel. Constant hurry robs you of your peace and happiness. Always running creates health and emotional sink holes in our lives. Science and faith agree on this. Research on naps, meditation, nature walks and the habits of exceptional artists and athletes reveal how mental breaks increase productivity, replenish attention, solidify memories and encourage creativity. The Scriptues remind us of our need to “be still.” I find myself, and many of my circle of friends are addicts. Addicted to productivity to the degree that productivity hacks become our life’s theology. That’s a dangerous slope to live on.
  2. DON’T BE A BUTTHEAD. I’m passionate about this one. If every morning we chose to not be a butt with each other, life would be so much better. Here are a few thoughts that might apply to you.
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to “That Annoying Person in Your Life” – I think of dealing with annoying people like managing a dam on a river. Every annoying thing they do is water flowing into the reservoir. You can manage that by letting water pass over the dam, or you can let it build until the dam breaks. The dam breaking is you being a jerk and screaming, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DIET! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY?!”
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to a Butthead. When presented with butthead behavior, just take a deep breath and put yourself in their shoes. Your responding in kind just escalates whatever negative stuff that’s in the air. If you can help it, do so.
    -Don’t Be a Butthead Because You’re Having a Bad Day. We all have bad days. Maybe your child is sick, a project is late, or a supplier sent parts that were all damaged in transit. Stuff happens to all of us, but not everyone responds by being a butthead. If the bad thing is your fault, own it, and move on. The worst your employer can do is fire you, and I’d rather be fired for messing up (as we all do from time to time) than for being a butthead. The people around you will see that you handled this setback with grace, and it will be remembered. If you handle stress by being a butthead, that will also be remembered.
  3. TURN OFF YOUR DEVICES. Imagine a day without answering every text like your life depends on it. Or stopping at a traffic light without checking your email. How about this – can you imagine talking with your family rather than comparing your likes and follows with everyone else?
    -Your brain will work better. By now most of you have heard of the many scientific studies that show the brain can’t actually multitask. What feels like multitasking to us is actually the brain switching rapidly among tasks. It feels good, and provides plenty of stimulation–something the brain tends to like. But it makes us the opposite of productive.
    -You’ll get better at solving problems. The biggest concern with constant connectedness is that people stop thinking. It’s very hard to think when you’re constantly interrupted, or distracted.
  4. FIND YOUR SACRED SILENCE. Two ideas with this one: 1) Every day, we all need to have a few minutes to meditate prayerfully, and 2) We could all talk less and make less noise. What a wonderful world it would be if we had less noise in our lives?
    –Silence offers opportunities for self-reflection and daydreaming, which activates multiple parts of the brain. It gives us time to turn down the inner noise and increase awareness of what matters most. And it cultivates mindfulness — recognition and appreciation of the present moment.
    – Silence also has physical benefits. “When we’re frazzled, our fight-or-flight response is on overload causing a host of problems,” says Dr. Sullivan. “We can use calm, quiet moments to tap into a different part of the nervous system that helps shut down our bodies’ physical response to stress.”
    – That means, being still and silent can help you: Lower your blood pressure Decrease your heart rate Steady your breathing. Reduce muscle tension. Increase focus and cognition.
  5. LEARN THE POWER OF GRATITUDE. We humans are naturally selfish, greedy, and ungrateful. If we were to experience widespread gratitude, we would become aware that when you are grateful, what you have is more than enough.
    – “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” – Harvard University
  6. EXERCISE MINIMALISM. When we become grateful, we exercise minimalism. Minimalism is the art, and appreciation of less is more. We stop buying what we do not need, and we stop comparing what we have to everyone else.
    -Minimalism isn’t just a concept that helps us reorganize our homes and lives in a more effective and aesthetically pleasing manner. In fact, minimalism can be a helpful way to combat mental illness of all degrees of severity, from anxiety to schizophrenia and back.
  7. PRIORITIZE JESUS. I know this to be true. When we get Jesus in the proper priority within our life, we will get every other issue right. Notice that I didn’t say, get your going to church life, right? I didn’t say, look more christianly, or talk more like a church person. It’s this simple – properly prioritize Jesus and watch how all the world’s pettiness and angst are replaced with peace, contentment, and gracious living.
    – When asked what was the most important commandment, Jesus dropped the mic, when He said, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others].’ The whole Law and the [writings of the] Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

I never said it would be easy, but it is simple.
Seven personal steps to better the world – immediately!

Peace, Chuck

A Simple Conversation that Matters

by

AChuckAllen

I realize that I’m a bit odd. I mean, I know that I’m weird. First, I’m a pastor that works hard at attempting to be normal. Second, I am allergic to chit-chat. No, really! I would never say that I like chatting in the sense of getting together for no purpose other than a chat.

However, I greatly appreciate a conversation grounded in purpose. Purpose feels like an accomplishment, reasoning, debating, sharpening, or resolving.

That’s why I know that the following conversation is a double win for you and your friend, child, parent, or spouse. Maybe even all the above!

Build these three questions into your daily routine and watch how your relationships improve with each day that you engage your person (s) of choice.

1. Start with YOUR BEST: What’s the best thing that happened yesterday?

2. Then Tackle the Worst. What’s the worst that’s happened (or is happening) today?

3. Then Add Prayer. What can I specifically pray for you today?

Please be sure to keep it simple. Keep it very real. Keep it truthful. Once you commit to asking, be equally committed to answering. Here’s the essential element in this brief, personal, purposeful conversation – actually pray for them!

If you don’t have anyone to have this conversation with, let your prayer be that you’ll discover them this week. In the meantime, feel free to send me an email and answer these questions. I’ll reply with my answers and pray earnestly for you.

Go In Peace, Chuck

Need help? At Clear Path Counseling, we believe that reaching out for help is hard enough; finding it should be straightforward and simple. Just CLICK HERE and start your free assessment. You can finish your complimentary assessment in less than 10-minutes!

ClearPathCounseling.org

3 Simple Ways to Make Your Day Better

by

AChuckAllen.com

It’s like a broken record. “How are you?” “ Good, I’m good.” “But how are you, really?”
“I’m tired, frustrated, anxious, and tired of being tired.”

Okay, now we are talking!

Here are three super simple ways to make today better.

1. Don’t watch or listen to the news on any outlet. The rants and verbal assaults have a way of sucking you into a vortex of negativity. Get outside, go for a walk, play cards, read, paint, anything but watch the news. Again, it doesn’t matter which outlet you prefer – avoid the news today! Science teaches us that nature can change our attitudes and thought patterns. Just go outside.

2. Determine to be nice to someone today. I don’t think you have to make a meal for someone or cut their grass. Just be determined to smile, say hello, tip well, or help someone by opening a door. Anything that allows your brain to tell your body, way to go! The science proves this is a no-brainer. If you want to have a better day, be intentionally nice. It’s not complicated. It costs nothing. Here’s the kicker – you are the winner!

3. Do two things out loud today. First, find a song you’ve liked for years, then sing it like you are on The Voice. I’m talking about singing as if you can really sing. Or better yet, sing it like you are in a duet with the original artist. Just sing one song out loud! Second, talk to the Divine – out loud. If you are angry with Him, tell Him. He can handle it. If you are fearful, tell Him. If you are grateful, tell Him. Just talk to your Creator as if He were right there with you – because He is. Speak with God out loud. I promise you that this conversation will change your day for good!

We all need a better day, so what do you have to lose?

  • Avoid negativity, especially when you can choose to.
  • Determine to be friendly, or at least nicer to those in your path.
  • Sing loud and proud.
  • Pray big, pray loud, pray sincerely – but pray, out loud.

May you and yours have a better day. And May you go throughout your day in peace.

—Chuck

Looking for in a Grace-Based Therapist

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by Julie Homrich, LPC

So you’re a follower of Jesus and you’re looking for a therapist.  You want someone who can both understand the source of your healing (God) but also empower you and operate from a professional perspective. Here are three things to look for in your search:

1. A grace-based Christian therapist values scripture… but does not weaponize it.  The use of scripture in counseling is meant to be helpful to the client.  Unfortunately, some well-meaning counselors tend to use scripture as a way to feel helpful themselves, throwing Bible verse bandaids on deep wounds that would be better served through more expansive spiritual and psychological surgery.  This leads clients to question the power of scripture because sometimes the solution is scripture AND counseling. 

Scripture is a very important piece of healing as a believer.  However, out of their own human desire to feel helpful and give answers, it can be tempting for helpers to repeatedly share scripture as a way to limit the pain instead of entering into the full, messy, sometimes unpredictable process of deep healing with the client. Ultimately, it’s important to seek the Holy Spirit in reflection to determine the right time for sharing scripture, the appropriate time to listen, and the right moment for psychological intervention.

2. Grace-based Christian therapists understand the difference between the source of healing and tools used in the process of healing. Secular counseling identifies the source of all healing as self-actualization. Grace-based counseling understands that we are co-creators in change, being prompted by the Holy Spirit and choosing to follow those leadings with the steps needed for psychological change. Secular counseling identifies an individual as body, soul, and spirit. Grace-based counseling does the same, but highlights the Holy Spirit’s power within us, redeeming and renewing our lives toward healing. However, both forms of counseling highlight that change is a choice, and faith-filled individuals must choose daily to unite their will with God’s will for their lives.

3. Grace-based Christian therapists seek to become aware of their tendency to engage in spiritual bypassing.  This is a term taught in many counseling programs, including faith-based ones. Spiritual bypassing is a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues or psychological wounds” (John Wellwood). We all have a tendency toward spiritual bypassing because, as humans, we have an innate aversion to discomfort.  If a Christian Counselor tells you that your pain is a result of a “lack of faith” or that you just need to “pray more”, you are entering a spiritual bypassing experience.

Spiritual bypassing is, at its core, a defense mechanism, and all defense mechanisms are utilized as a way for us to keep emotional distance from pain or discomfort. The antidote to spiritual bypassing is spiritual embodiment, inviting Jesus into our pain instead of trying to explain it away without experiencing it.  In some cases, it’s hard to heal when you can’t feel, and Jesus models this for us as He entered into our human experience fully to redeem us from it.  We can invite Him into our pain, and struggling doesn’t make us any less of a Christian.  

If you’re looking for a trained professional to help you find a therapist who meets the above recommendations, take our simple, free assessment at http://www.clearpathcounseling.org. You’ll be connected to a professional who can help you determine what your counseling needs are and who is poised to meet them.

Julie

Is it Really Okay to Not be Okay?

by

AChuckAllen.com

Mental health seems to be all the rage these days. Athletes, artists, actors, and stars are opening up with statements like, “it’s okay not to be okay.”

But for us mere mortals, is it really okay to not be okay?

I’m not attempting to be snarky in my question. I’m suggesting that for the bulk of our human landscape, it’s still very much not okay to be not okay.

While I want to believe that I am wrong, ask yourself how safe you feel about divulging to your boss or buddies that you are struggling with depression, self-harm, anxiety, or any number of mental or emotional health issues?

I took a few days off over Labor Day weekend and, upon returning, found myself overwhelmed at the number of needs, challenges, calls, and expectations. Just writing that makes my skin crawl. Not because of the requirements, challenges, rings, or expectations, but because of the folks that will be placing varying degrees of guilt, shame, or assumptive qualifications upon me.

You may not be that person with those guilt-ridden thoughts, but we all know that they are there.

Maybe you wrestle with some of the same struggles that I do. Perhaps you feel like there is nowhere to turn. If so, or if you know someone struggling, here are three next steps that can help…I promise.

1. Take three minutes right now and pray. That’s right, pray. Not with your “fake holy voice.” Just ask God to calm your soul, settle your spirit, still your mind, and give you truth-filled wisdom.

2. Send a text to a trusted friend, and ask them to have coffee because you need someone to chat with. If you do not have that person in your life right now, do these two things: 1) Go back to number one and add to your prayer that the Divine would place that person in your life. And 2) Reach out to a counselor or therapist. I know that can be challenging. That’s why my friend Julie Homrich and I have built a place that you can seek and find help and privately. Just go to ClearPath Counseling and invest less than ten minutes in completing your free assessment.

I’m not sure why I struggle with these things. I wish that I didn’t. If you are one of the 4,500 plus’s church members of the church that I pastor, you might be thinking (as I’ve been told), “we don’t want to know about our pastor’s struggles.

I am, however, now okay with admitting that, at times, I am certainly not okay. I’ve learned the truly amazing power of prayer. I’ve learned how little the Divine cares about the “how-to” of prayer. I’ve learned and experienced how simple yet significant the act of “chatting” with my Creator. I have also been blessed with a couple of dear friends, an unbelievably gracious wife, and the kindness of an exceptional therapist.

You might not be okay, not being okay. But you should know that I know how much your Creator truly, deeply, earnestly loves you and wants to chat with you, especially when you are not okay. That’s how I know firsthand about His love. In my most not okay moments, He’s listened to my deepest “not okayness.”

It might not feel safe for you to share your own “not okayness” with someone in your circle right now, but open your head and heart to a conversation with God. You probably still need a counselor or therapist, but He’s the best. The very best at listening to our lack of okayness.

May peace be yours this day.

May joy become your normal.

May hope reign on the throne of your heart.

May tomorrow be better than okay.

Peace, Chuck

ClearPathCounseling.org