Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Parenting

A Simple Conversation that Matters

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AChuckAllen

I realize that I’m a bit odd. I mean, I know that I’m weird. First, I’m a pastor that works hard at attempting to be normal. Second, I am allergic to chit-chat. No, really! I would never say that I like chatting in the sense of getting together for no purpose other than a chat.

However, I greatly appreciate a conversation grounded in purpose. Purpose feels like an accomplishment, reasoning, debating, sharpening, or resolving.

That’s why I know that the following conversation is a double win for you and your friend, child, parent, or spouse. Maybe even all the above!

Build these three questions into your daily routine and watch how your relationships improve with each day that you engage your person (s) of choice.

1. Start with YOUR BEST: What’s the best thing that happened yesterday?

2. Then Tackle the Worst. What’s the worst that’s happened (or is happening) today?

3. Then Add Prayer. What can I specifically pray for you today?

Please be sure to keep it simple. Keep it very real. Keep it truthful. Once you commit to asking, be equally committed to answering. Here’s the essential element in this brief, personal, purposeful conversation – actually pray for them!

If you don’t have anyone to have this conversation with, let your prayer be that you’ll discover them this week. In the meantime, feel free to send me an email and answer these questions. I’ll reply with my answers and pray earnestly for you.

Go In Peace, Chuck

Need help? At Clear Path Counseling, we believe that reaching out for help is hard enough; finding it should be straightforward and simple. Just CLICK HERE and start your free assessment. You can finish your complimentary assessment in less than 10-minutes!

ClearPathCounseling.org

The Church and Mental Health

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by AChuckAllen 04.20.2021

Like many of my readers, I grew up in an era with zero tolerance for mental illness. We threw terms around that were harmful, hurtful, and disrespectful. We didn’t do that out of some weird bias or odd bigotry, but out of pure ignorance. Today, we all have a better understanding of the significance of our mental and emotional health. But have we stepped into the arena and determined to be a part of the solution instead of saying the usual “somebody ought to do something” line? As for me, I have experienced the oddities of the pandemic, just like you have.

Now is the time to step onto the floor of the arena and determine to
make a difference, and it just might start with you!

First, let’s accept the fact that we all have some sort of anxiety, restlessness, or stress in our life. I haven’t met anyone in the past year that has been able to say that they are stress or worry-free, at least honestly. The power of our brains is astonishing. Our brains are constantly attempting to course-correct our lives, but with enough stressors and insecurities, it can send all of the wrong signals to our bodies.

Did you know that when your brain’s pre-frontal cortex exposes your amygdala, that amygdala kicks into high gear with fear that sends stress hormones coursing through your body? That starts a reaction that creates digestive challenges, rapid heart rates, muscular tingles, and inflammation. None of that sounds good. But here is the good news. You can do something about it! My friend, Julie Homrich, LPC, has been coaching me on the brain and how mental health and spiritual health go hand in hand. She is a really bright human, and I’m continually grateful for our friendship and what she is teaching me. When I came to grips with the fact that we could literally accomplish what Paul wrote in the Bible book of Romans, when he said that we “Should not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our mind, so that we might know the perfect will of God,” I got so captivated that I began an in-depth study to help me understand the correlation with a passage of scripture written some 2,000 years ago and the modern brain.

Romans 12:2 NLT
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

In short, I came to this conclusion: We Need Help!

To keep from remaining in fear, anxiety, and an over-stressed state of mind, we need to know how to be transformed through the renewing of our mind. Maybe you are like me. Maybe you don’t have a severe mental illness, but you are stressed out, maxed out, and occasionally anxiety-riddled. If so, even mildly so, here is a three-step approach that has been scientifically proven to assist you.

1. STOP AND SUSPEND THE PRESENT NARRATIVE. Science has proven that it can take as long as 20 minutes to metabolize the stress hormones sent to our bodies from that fear-mongering amygdala. Stop and suspend your assumptions on the motives, actions, and predetermined conclusions of the present narrative that has your stressors on high alert. Stopping long enough to evaluate before acting is an essential part of coping well and retaining healthy relationships. Stop and allow your mind to ask three questions. 1) What if I didn’t understand the narrative as it was intended? 2) What if the person sharing or group sharing the narrative is in a difficult season or just a terrible day? And 3) What if I am stressed because I am part of the narrative’s problem, and my brain is firing our guilt signals. Suspend the answer and/or action long enough for the stress hormones to clear from your body.

2. ENGAGE IN DOING GOOD. Multiple studies, including a study from Stanford University, have proven that when we take action to help or serve someone else, we are fueling our brain and our soul with dopamine that instantaneously improves our mental and emotional health. If you lead a business, the new economy screams at you that “doing good is good for business.” The new understanding of our brain screams at us doing good is good for us! I know it doesn’t seem like something beneficial to mental health, but both God and science assure us that it is indeed perfect for us!

3. START YOUR DAY WITH PRAYER MEDITATION. I know I just lost half of you, but this is the one thing I would plead with you to do. It’s so simple, and it’s been proven to strengthen our mental and emotional health for centuries. Somehow, in the American culture, we determined we didn’t need that weird meditation stuff. But prayerful meditation isn’t some weird journey with incense and mantras. It is simply quietude, plus solitude, plus mindfulness = peace. I start each day with one question. What am I grateful for, and write it down. I then enjoy about 6 minutes of prayerful meditation through a great, free app, “SOULSPACE.” It is so simple. I listen and pray in a quiet space, and it gets me centered on God’s design for my day and gives me an attitude of gratitude, confidence, and peace. Once again, like serving others, meditation has been scientifically proven to strengthen our brains to transform us into healthy people. How great is that? I am living proof that six minutes each day can radically transform your mind, heart, and soul for good. If you knew me twenty years ago, or more, you might be thinking, “who is this, and what happened to Chuck?” The answer? I’m here, and I’m in the best mental, emotional and spiritual health of my life!

Here is the key. These are simple solutions to a complex challenge. But these three simple steps have proven to make me a far better husband, father, grandfather, pastor, leader, and follower of Jesus. America is a mess, people. We might start with our own mental, emotional, and spiritual health before grumbling more about everyone else’s part of the problem.

I’m also committed to the firm belief that the church desperately needs to tackle mental and emotional health. It is one of the great American crises of the day. We, the church, have the opportunity to stop lobbing bible verse hand grenades at people in crises and offer real, tangible, God-honoring solutions. I’m in no way suggesting that scripture isn’t tangible. I am strongly stating that scripture and science are a hand in glove experience. Mental health is a practical part of Christian discipleship. As we learn to surrender our assumptions and egos to the will of God, we discover contentment. When we are contented, we can, as Paul stated, “do all things through Christ Jesus.” But surrender and contentment require a healthy state of mind and emotion.

It’s like a wheel that keeps rolling. Strive for mental and emotional health. Seek peace in that journey. Keep it sustainable, not just based on feelings. Surrender our lives and discover contented gratitude and boom! There it is, PEACE! That sounds exactly like what Jesus would invest in should He have chosen this generation to walk on the face of the planet. Oh, wait! That’s exactly what He did, as He walked across Israel some two-thousand years ago. Jesus cares about our mental and emotional health – Be more like Jesus!

Go in Peace,
Chuck

If I Were 17 Again

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If I Were 17 Again by AChuckAllen

Even with the odd graduations of 2020, it would appear that we will be going back to school this fall. As a result, I started thinking about the things I would do differently if I were about to start my senior year at South Gwinnett High School again.

I enjoyed my high school years, well at least a couple of them. My dad moved us several times during my four years, but I wound up attending three schools, but two schools for three years. I know, it was odd.

I have fond memories of my short time at Southwest Dekalb High School, which I attended for one fall and then we were off to South Gwinnett. There we stayed for almost two full years and we made a stop in Lubbock, Texas. I attended a few Summer School classes attempting to avoid sitting out a year of varsity football. That summer turned out to be a great year and held one of my favorite adventures of high school. I was 15 years old, living with Mom and Dad in Texas. I would have had to sit out a football season and so, moving back to Georgia was my highest priority. So, I left Mom, Dad and the sweetest little girlfriend, Deanna and drove myself (remember-15 years old) from Lubbock, Texas directly to Camp Bow and Arrow for football camp with my teammates – The Not So Mighty South Gwinnett Comets. That trip at 15 years old included a night of sleep in the back of my Monte Carlo in Vicksburg, Mississippi. Sometimes being stupid will cause you to grow up in a hurry. So, after that little bypass, here are my re-wishes.

If I could relive a few of those senior days, I would have:

1. I wish that I had been less of a butthead and been a nicer human being. Especially to kids that were struggling.

2. I wish I had been a real Follower of Christ, not a convenient Christian with no spiritual guts at all.

3. I wish I had played every single play like I was one yard away from winning the Super Bowl. I loved playing ball!

4. I wish I would have said yes to Troy.

5. I wish I would have focused more on literature and actually listened to Mrs. Adair. I didn’t particularly like her.

6. I wish I had started intentionally reading earlier in life…like as in at 17.

7. I wish I would have made that one tackle that got away from me while playing the coldest game of my life at Elbert County. That dude was big.

8. I wish I would have kicked the guy playing over me as I was long snapping while at Habersham County in the privates. I don’t even know his name, but I still hate him.

9. I wish I would have treated my Mom and Dad with more respect. When you are 17-18 years old you really are an idiot.

10. And finally, I wish that I would have honored my coaches for the painstaking efforts they poured into me. I’d still try and run through a wall for any of them..especially Coaches Strickland, Johnson, Carter and Sawyer.

We don’t have the luxury of reliving our past, but we can pass along our hard earned knowledge to those that come behind us. So, feel free to share these and your desired mulligans with the kids that will start their Senior years this Fall.

Go in Peace, AChuck

These are Superpowers

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These Are Superpowers by ACHUCKAllen

I grabbed a Delta jet to my hometown, Daytona Beach, Florida Sunday afternoon to officiate a friend’s son’s wedding. It was a rainy afternoon with thunderstorms strong enough to sweep the beach of every vacationing family. I thought that we would definitely be having an indoor wedding. This is a young couple that needed a wedding to happen on the beach, just outside the condominium that the groom has been vacationing at for 20 plus years. It wasn’t looking good as the skies grew darker.

But at 7:00pm, just thirty-minutes before the wedding, the clouds blew out and the sun started peeking around the now white and fluffy clouds. By 7:30, there was a nice breeze and it was a beautiful evening for a wedding on the beach.

What was the superpower that moved that storm away? A daddy that loves his boy and a couple that has chosen the path of grace and kindness over judgement and legalism. The answer the groom’s daddy gave every person regarding the weather was simple. To every person, whether they were Followers of Jesus or not, his answer was, “well, the Lord is good and He heard our prayers.” Was the prayer the superpower or the kindness? And the answer is YES!

Here is what I know with great certainty: When you openly speak about the things of God, good things happen.

On Monday, I was on my way from my room to the hotel elevator when I met Kadian . Kadian is a young mom from Jamaica. I said the usual “good morning and how are you today” remarks and she seemed timid and a bit distracted. I was hungry and hopped on the elevator and hit the button for the lobby. It was at that moment the Lord spoke as clearly to me as I was hoping a server would when I ordered my breakfast. The Lord was clear. “Chuck, stop the elevator, go back and give that girl some money.” He was specific about the amount and the action. I responded like I often do, “Lord, I’ll find her after breakfast.”

Here’s a life lesson. The Lord doesn’t desire His kids to delay in acting on His directions.

So, I got off the elevator at the Lobby, smelling the sausage, bacon, French toast and biscuits (sorry). And I got back on the elevator and road back to the tenth floor. I found Kadian and told her that the Lord told me to bring her this money. She teared up and asked me to stop in the middle of the hallway and pray for her. I did and decided to pray big. When I said amen and finished, two separate couples had joined in the serendipitous prayer meeting and we were all crying. Kadian looked me in the eyes and said that she told her son, as she left their apartment early Monday morning that “God would provide today.” Well, how bout that?

Was it the money or the act of Kindness the Lord directed me with. The answer is YES!

Again, When you openly speak about the things of God, good things happen.

You have superpowers at your disposal every single day. Prayer, Kindness, Graciousness and Obedience. I wonder what our world might look like if we were to lay down our egos, logos and personal preferences and replaced them with Prayer, Graciousness and Obedience? Imagine a day that you choose the superpower of openly speaking about the things of God…and good things happen? Would we really make a dent in this planet for the betterment of mankind? The Answer, YES!

Go in Peace,
AChuck

Three Traits of a Healthy Friend

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Whether you are an introvert, an extrovert, a people person or a social outcast, one thing I know to be true…We are built to do this life together. God Himself placed this into His creation. He said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.” Emphasis on US!

In my line of work, you better have friends. When I was a builder/developer, I needed friends. Actually, I’ve never found myself doing anything that mattered without needing friends to challenge me, encourage me and hold me accountable.

I am an awful friend. I know that’s an awful confession about a pastor. But it’s true. I don’t reach out to many other guys, but I should. I don’t naturally gravitate toward encouragement, but I should. I don’t stop and check on how I could help someone or pray for them nearly enough, but I should.

Over the course of the past 5-6 years I’ve come to a state of mind and attitude that I want to become a really good friend and I want and need really good friends. So here are three attributes of what I want to be to a friend and what I think I’d like to have in the quality of my friends.

    1. Real Time Authenticity. I don’t need a rehearsed or scripted conversation that always ends in what I can do for them. I’ve learned the hard way that if your friends disappear the moment you cannot offer them something, you never really had their friendship. You were an acquaintance that offered a needed service hidden behind the mask of friendship. I also want to know that my friends and I with them, are the same person in any environment. A good friend of mine is a big deal. I mean, he’s a really big deal, but when he sees me walk into a room, he treats me like I’m a big deal. I want to be an authentic friend that treats my friends like a big deal.
    2. Limitless Honesty. I want my friends to tell me truth, especially when it is challenging. And I want to be able to tell my friends those things (in honesty) that might be a challenge. No matter what it is about, the truth is always the right conversation with a true friend. And not just when it’s convenient. I’ve been the emperor with no britches and that’s not cool!
    3. Compassionate Accountability. The last thing I need in a friend is someone that will let me coast or slip. I need friends that will graciously hold me accountable in my walk with God, my marriage, family, career and attitudes. My wife Jenny is my number one fan, but she is also my number one accountability partner. She will bust me on a bad attitude or selfish motive in a heart beat. For that and so much more, I love her so much! But really, I’m not looking for drill sergeants and I have no desire to become a drill Sargent. Compassion and kindness are required to lovingly hold a friend accountable.

There are plenty of other qualities in friendship, but these three seemed to rush to the front of the line. I am fully confident that this world would be a far better place to lead, love and lead should we choose to live in friendship with Real Time Authenticity, Limitless Honesty and Compassionate Accountability!

As Fred Rogers well said, “won’t you be my neighbor?”

Go in Peace,
AChuck

5 Ways to Experience Family Devotions

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Happy family on the couch reading storybook at home in the living room

5 Ways to Experience Family Devotions by AChuckAllen

As a parent and a grandparent, I’ve had my fair share of seasons that I wondered if I could be any worse as a parent. Now that all of our girls are “grown-ups,” I still occasionally wonder if I did everything that I could have done. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to answer that. I know this, they are far better kids that I was, and they all are on uniquely different paths in their emotional, spiritual and developmental journey.

I am often asked how to “do family devotions.” Let me say that I was truly not a
model of excellence in this effort, but I have observed and experienced a few things along the way with our daughters…all six of them.

  1. Don’t try to force a book or a systematic process that doesn’t work for you and your kids. Don’t force a time or a schedule. Simply be consistent in your own life. If you want you kids to believe in the power of prayer, let them experience you praying over them. If you want them to grow up reading and trusting the Bible, let them see you read and trust the Bible. Did I mention that I have had many, many seasons of abject failure as a parent?
  2. Speak of the things of God openly with your kids. When you see a beautiful sky, point out the glory of His work. When your cat has kittens, speak of how God’s creation is fascinating. When you are on the beach, thank God for His gift to us. When our kids see and hear us speak openly on the things of God, our kids will begin looking for them as well.
  3. Pray with your kids about things other than meals. Yes, prayer before a meal is a great start, but to stop and pray before they get on the bus? That’s the stuff that will stay with them when they have their kids.
  4. Use Right Now Media, which is free to you, if you are a part of our Sugar Hill Church family. There are dozens and dozens of kids media tools to help you deliver exceptional content to your family. Need help getting that set up? Just email Bobby@SugarHillChurch.com and he will get you going. This is a great resource.
  5. If your family does have the capacity and ability to actually have a set time, in a season where that works for you, good for you! If so, use the stories of Jesus found in the Gospels. If I could do one thing differently, and only one thing with my kids when they were younger? I would have stayed in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) far more than I did. Let the stories of Jesus and His teachings saturate your kids and your family to their bones. You’ll be so glad that you did.

The most important thing to remember? Stay at it. Keep the things and ways of the Divine in front of your children,  in every possible way, especially through you!

–AChuck