Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Family

How to Fix the World

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AChuckAllen.com

I know! Who would possibly think you could fix all of the world’s problems in one article? Well, I’m not so naive as to believe that you can improve the world with the following seven ideas, but I’ll guarantee you, these seven would radically make our world a better place to live in.

Seven ways to FIX THE WORLD.

  1. SLOW DOWN. Seriously, slow your life down and get off the hamster wheel. Constant hurry robs you of your peace and happiness. Always running creates health and emotional sink holes in our lives. Science and faith agree on this. Research on naps, meditation, nature walks and the habits of exceptional artists and athletes reveal how mental breaks increase productivity, replenish attention, solidify memories and encourage creativity. The Scriptues remind us of our need to “be still.” I find myself, and many of my circle of friends are addicts. Addicted to productivity to the degree that productivity hacks become our life’s theology. That’s a dangerous slope to live on.
  2. DON’T BE A BUTTHEAD. I’m passionate about this one. If every morning we chose to not be a butt with each other, life would be so much better. Here are a few thoughts that might apply to you.
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to “That Annoying Person in Your Life” – I think of dealing with annoying people like managing a dam on a river. Every annoying thing they do is water flowing into the reservoir. You can manage that by letting water pass over the dam, or you can let it build until the dam breaks. The dam breaking is you being a jerk and screaming, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DIET! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY?!”
    – Don’t Be a Butthead to a Butthead. When presented with butthead behavior, just take a deep breath and put yourself in their shoes. Your responding in kind just escalates whatever negative stuff that’s in the air. If you can help it, do so.
    -Don’t Be a Butthead Because You’re Having a Bad Day. We all have bad days. Maybe your child is sick, a project is late, or a supplier sent parts that were all damaged in transit. Stuff happens to all of us, but not everyone responds by being a butthead. If the bad thing is your fault, own it, and move on. The worst your employer can do is fire you, and I’d rather be fired for messing up (as we all do from time to time) than for being a butthead. The people around you will see that you handled this setback with grace, and it will be remembered. If you handle stress by being a butthead, that will also be remembered.
  3. TURN OFF YOUR DEVICES. Imagine a day without answering every text like your life depends on it. Or stopping at a traffic light without checking your email. How about this – can you imagine talking with your family rather than comparing your likes and follows with everyone else?
    -Your brain will work better. By now most of you have heard of the many scientific studies that show the brain can’t actually multitask. What feels like multitasking to us is actually the brain switching rapidly among tasks. It feels good, and provides plenty of stimulation–something the brain tends to like. But it makes us the opposite of productive.
    -You’ll get better at solving problems. The biggest concern with constant connectedness is that people stop thinking. It’s very hard to think when you’re constantly interrupted, or distracted.
  4. FIND YOUR SACRED SILENCE. Two ideas with this one: 1) Every day, we all need to have a few minutes to meditate prayerfully, and 2) We could all talk less and make less noise. What a wonderful world it would be if we had less noise in our lives?
    –Silence offers opportunities for self-reflection and daydreaming, which activates multiple parts of the brain. It gives us time to turn down the inner noise and increase awareness of what matters most. And it cultivates mindfulness — recognition and appreciation of the present moment.
    – Silence also has physical benefits. “When we’re frazzled, our fight-or-flight response is on overload causing a host of problems,” says Dr. Sullivan. “We can use calm, quiet moments to tap into a different part of the nervous system that helps shut down our bodies’ physical response to stress.”
    – That means, being still and silent can help you: Lower your blood pressure Decrease your heart rate Steady your breathing. Reduce muscle tension. Increase focus and cognition.
  5. LEARN THE POWER OF GRATITUDE. We humans are naturally selfish, greedy, and ungrateful. If we were to experience widespread gratitude, we would become aware that when you are grateful, what you have is more than enough.
    – “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” – Harvard University
  6. EXERCISE MINIMALISM. When we become grateful, we exercise minimalism. Minimalism is the art, and appreciation of less is more. We stop buying what we do not need, and we stop comparing what we have to everyone else.
    -Minimalism isn’t just a concept that helps us reorganize our homes and lives in a more effective and aesthetically pleasing manner. In fact, minimalism can be a helpful way to combat mental illness of all degrees of severity, from anxiety to schizophrenia and back.
  7. PRIORITIZE JESUS. I know this to be true. When we get Jesus in the proper priority within our life, we will get every other issue right. Notice that I didn’t say, get your going to church life, right? I didn’t say, look more christianly, or talk more like a church person. It’s this simple – properly prioritize Jesus and watch how all the world’s pettiness and angst are replaced with peace, contentment, and gracious living.
    – When asked what was the most important commandment, Jesus dropped the mic, when He said, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others].’ The whole Law and the [writings of the] Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

I never said it would be easy, but it is simple.
Seven personal steps to better the world – immediately!

Peace, Chuck

A Simple Conversation that Matters

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AChuckAllen

I realize that I’m a bit odd. I mean, I know that I’m weird. First, I’m a pastor that works hard at attempting to be normal. Second, I am allergic to chit-chat. No, really! I would never say that I like chatting in the sense of getting together for no purpose other than a chat.

However, I greatly appreciate a conversation grounded in purpose. Purpose feels like an accomplishment, reasoning, debating, sharpening, or resolving.

That’s why I know that the following conversation is a double win for you and your friend, child, parent, or spouse. Maybe even all the above!

Build these three questions into your daily routine and watch how your relationships improve with each day that you engage your person (s) of choice.

1. Start with YOUR BEST: What’s the best thing that happened yesterday?

2. Then Tackle the Worst. What’s the worst that’s happened (or is happening) today?

3. Then Add Prayer. What can I specifically pray for you today?

Please be sure to keep it simple. Keep it very real. Keep it truthful. Once you commit to asking, be equally committed to answering. Here’s the essential element in this brief, personal, purposeful conversation – actually pray for them!

If you don’t have anyone to have this conversation with, let your prayer be that you’ll discover them this week. In the meantime, feel free to send me an email and answer these questions. I’ll reply with my answers and pray earnestly for you.

Go In Peace, Chuck

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3 Avoidable Marriage Pitfalls

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AChuckAllen.com

I’ve heard it said that “marriage isn’t easy.” However, I’ve also heard that a marriage that survives and thrives takes work. While I agree with both of those statements, marriage shouldn’t be too hard and require that much work. After all, we loved our spouse enough to say I do without ever thinking that we might say I don’t.

After countless couples that have sought my counsel on marriage and having been married for a collective 40 years, I’ve learned some basics. This is part one of a two-part article on marriage and the simple steps to avoid and the simple steps to include in your relationship.

Here are three avoidable mistakes that might become pitfalls in your marriage. I pray that they are helpful.

  1. Assumptions – Assumptions will literally kill your marriage. The most assumed assumption? “They should know what I need.” My next on the wicked list of assumptions is that “they should know what I think.” If you can recall the television show, “Home Improvement” you’ll remember that in each episode, Jill tells Tim something and he totally messes the intent up. Time winds up in the backyard with Wilson, and Wilson serves as his marriage counselor. Tim then has a light bulb moment and he and Jill get things back together. In real life, it’s never that short or that simpe to fix. Please avoid assuming that your spouse knows what you need, or what you think. Have a discussion about needs, wants, hopes, and aspiriations. Assumptions will create a train wreck in your hopes and dreams. Never assume that your spouse, no matter how close you are, or how well they can complete your sentences knows your needs, hopes, feelings, or values. Love them enough to let them into your world. After all, you are now “one flesh.”
  2. Untruths – Spoken or Unspoken – I hear this one all the time and I’ve lived this in my own life. Maybe you are witholding a simple little truth in hopes that you are “protecting your spouse.” That’s just a lie that you are justifying because you don’t want to deal with it. Yes, your spouse might be angry with you. Yes, you most likely will argue about it. But here’s the real deal. You will deal with it. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Til death. Untruths will create a deep divide that can crater a marriage faster than anything I have seen. If it’s big – tell the truth. If it’s small – tell the truth. I promise you that this is one of those pitfalls that will bite you and leave a mark. It’s not complicated. Tell the truth. All of the truth!
  3. Tech Secrets – I can’t count the number of marriages that have entered my office for counsel and when we got to the central theme of the issues, spouse A discovered something on spouse B’s phone, tablet, or computer. Sometimes it’s obvious, like porn or an inappropriate text conversation with another person. Sometimes it’s thoughts about in-laws or children, or blended family talk outside of the home. Here’s a good rule of thumb; If you cannot hand your phone to your spouse without hiding something, password protecting something, or turning off your locations, you might have a serious problem. If you cannot leave your phone sitting on the bedside table while you shower or walk the dog, you might have a problem. If you have to double check to make sure that your spouse might see something when they ask to use your phone, you definitely have a problem. The answer isn’t to have secret apps, or secret, seperate phones. The answer is don’t do stupid stuff on your devices. Keep you technology zippers zipped and your social media status buttons buttoned.

As I said, it’s pretty simple. Avoid these three pitfalls, and you’ll save yourself a world of hurt feelings, arguments, misunderstandings, and relational fatigue. I’ll be back tomorrow with “Three simple Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage.”

Peace, Chuck

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The Church and Mental Health

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by AChuckAllen 04.20.2021

Like many of my readers, I grew up in an era with zero tolerance for mental illness. We threw terms around that were harmful, hurtful, and disrespectful. We didn’t do that out of some weird bias or odd bigotry, but out of pure ignorance. Today, we all have a better understanding of the significance of our mental and emotional health. But have we stepped into the arena and determined to be a part of the solution instead of saying the usual “somebody ought to do something” line? As for me, I have experienced the oddities of the pandemic, just like you have.

Now is the time to step onto the floor of the arena and determine to
make a difference, and it just might start with you!

First, let’s accept the fact that we all have some sort of anxiety, restlessness, or stress in our life. I haven’t met anyone in the past year that has been able to say that they are stress or worry-free, at least honestly. The power of our brains is astonishing. Our brains are constantly attempting to course-correct our lives, but with enough stressors and insecurities, it can send all of the wrong signals to our bodies.

Did you know that when your brain’s pre-frontal cortex exposes your amygdala, that amygdala kicks into high gear with fear that sends stress hormones coursing through your body? That starts a reaction that creates digestive challenges, rapid heart rates, muscular tingles, and inflammation. None of that sounds good. But here is the good news. You can do something about it! My friend, Julie Homrich, LPC, has been coaching me on the brain and how mental health and spiritual health go hand in hand. She is a really bright human, and I’m continually grateful for our friendship and what she is teaching me. When I came to grips with the fact that we could literally accomplish what Paul wrote in the Bible book of Romans, when he said that we “Should not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our mind, so that we might know the perfect will of God,” I got so captivated that I began an in-depth study to help me understand the correlation with a passage of scripture written some 2,000 years ago and the modern brain.

Romans 12:2 NLT
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

In short, I came to this conclusion: We Need Help!

To keep from remaining in fear, anxiety, and an over-stressed state of mind, we need to know how to be transformed through the renewing of our mind. Maybe you are like me. Maybe you don’t have a severe mental illness, but you are stressed out, maxed out, and occasionally anxiety-riddled. If so, even mildly so, here is a three-step approach that has been scientifically proven to assist you.

1. STOP AND SUSPEND THE PRESENT NARRATIVE. Science has proven that it can take as long as 20 minutes to metabolize the stress hormones sent to our bodies from that fear-mongering amygdala. Stop and suspend your assumptions on the motives, actions, and predetermined conclusions of the present narrative that has your stressors on high alert. Stopping long enough to evaluate before acting is an essential part of coping well and retaining healthy relationships. Stop and allow your mind to ask three questions. 1) What if I didn’t understand the narrative as it was intended? 2) What if the person sharing or group sharing the narrative is in a difficult season or just a terrible day? And 3) What if I am stressed because I am part of the narrative’s problem, and my brain is firing our guilt signals. Suspend the answer and/or action long enough for the stress hormones to clear from your body.

2. ENGAGE IN DOING GOOD. Multiple studies, including a study from Stanford University, have proven that when we take action to help or serve someone else, we are fueling our brain and our soul with dopamine that instantaneously improves our mental and emotional health. If you lead a business, the new economy screams at you that “doing good is good for business.” The new understanding of our brain screams at us doing good is good for us! I know it doesn’t seem like something beneficial to mental health, but both God and science assure us that it is indeed perfect for us!

3. START YOUR DAY WITH PRAYER MEDITATION. I know I just lost half of you, but this is the one thing I would plead with you to do. It’s so simple, and it’s been proven to strengthen our mental and emotional health for centuries. Somehow, in the American culture, we determined we didn’t need that weird meditation stuff. But prayerful meditation isn’t some weird journey with incense and mantras. It is simply quietude, plus solitude, plus mindfulness = peace. I start each day with one question. What am I grateful for, and write it down. I then enjoy about 6 minutes of prayerful meditation through a great, free app, “SOULSPACE.” It is so simple. I listen and pray in a quiet space, and it gets me centered on God’s design for my day and gives me an attitude of gratitude, confidence, and peace. Once again, like serving others, meditation has been scientifically proven to strengthen our brains to transform us into healthy people. How great is that? I am living proof that six minutes each day can radically transform your mind, heart, and soul for good. If you knew me twenty years ago, or more, you might be thinking, “who is this, and what happened to Chuck?” The answer? I’m here, and I’m in the best mental, emotional and spiritual health of my life!

Here is the key. These are simple solutions to a complex challenge. But these three simple steps have proven to make me a far better husband, father, grandfather, pastor, leader, and follower of Jesus. America is a mess, people. We might start with our own mental, emotional, and spiritual health before grumbling more about everyone else’s part of the problem.

I’m also committed to the firm belief that the church desperately needs to tackle mental and emotional health. It is one of the great American crises of the day. We, the church, have the opportunity to stop lobbing bible verse hand grenades at people in crises and offer real, tangible, God-honoring solutions. I’m in no way suggesting that scripture isn’t tangible. I am strongly stating that scripture and science are a hand in glove experience. Mental health is a practical part of Christian discipleship. As we learn to surrender our assumptions and egos to the will of God, we discover contentment. When we are contented, we can, as Paul stated, “do all things through Christ Jesus.” But surrender and contentment require a healthy state of mind and emotion.

It’s like a wheel that keeps rolling. Strive for mental and emotional health. Seek peace in that journey. Keep it sustainable, not just based on feelings. Surrender our lives and discover contented gratitude and boom! There it is, PEACE! That sounds exactly like what Jesus would invest in should He have chosen this generation to walk on the face of the planet. Oh, wait! That’s exactly what He did, as He walked across Israel some two-thousand years ago. Jesus cares about our mental and emotional health – Be more like Jesus!

Go in Peace,
Chuck

Four Lessons I Learned from COVID-19

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First, let me freely admit that I greatly underestimated Covid-19! I thought I would be a little sickly and get over it in a few days. Boy, was I wrong? I was one of those folks that had almost every symptom you can have. I was down and out of commission for the better part of two weeks. Over the course of those two weeks, I learned four critical lessons that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Hopefully, they will benefit you, and prayerfully you won’t have to have Covid-19 to learn them.

Here are the FOUR LESSONS from COVID-19

1 You are not in charge! You may think that you are, but you are not in charge. Here are three points that make this point.
– I did everything one should do to avoid Covid, but it found me.
– Every medication and every treatment might have been helpful, but God Himself chose to determine my timetable with this wicked enemy. – The only way to health is to stop trying to power through it.

Friends, this virus is the real deal. My encouragement to you is to recognize that we shouldn’t live in fear of Covid-19, but we should honor the fact that any of us can contract this thing, and we are all potential victims. I’m not too fond of wearing a mask. I hate the politicization of wearing a mask even more. I despise the need to cancel live worship and groups, but I would never want anybody to struggle as I did with this stuff! I’ve read and listened to so many varying opinions on masks and distancing that I really am not certain of “the science we are to follow.” I am however, keenly aware that if there is any way to keep people we love as safe as possible, why not give in and ride this thing out? In other words, just wear the mask.

You are not in control. As the Stoics were fond of saying, “The single most important practice in Stoic philosophy is differentiating between what we can change and what we can’t. What we have influence over and what we do not. If we can focus on making clear what parts of our day are within our control and what parts are not, we will not only be happier; we will have a distinct advantage over other people who fail to realize they are fighting an unwinnable battle.”

2 There is a Purpose Within this Virus. For the last nine days of my fight with Covid-19, I started my day with a Gratitude Journal. Inside the journal and number one on my list each day was this statement, “Thank You for Covid-19.” No, I’m not as dumb as I look. I read more, learned more, prayed more, and grew more during Covid than I had in the previous six months. The Divine allowed my time with Covid to redeem my plans for 2021. He allowed me time to rethink almost every part of my life. I was determined to accomplish several things in 2021, but a few of those things have changed significantly! While I do not believe this virus was Heaven created, the Divine is certainly using it to accomplish much. What, I wonder, has He been teaching you? If you aren’t sure, then learn this lesson and slow the pace of your day down and listen for His still, powerful voice.

3 Solitude is Healthy! I speak for the many people that are introverts by nature, but also for people that are around people all the time. Solitude is necessary to think clearly. It is needed to meditate and pray consistently. Solitude can allow for serious planning, and most importantly, solitude will drive you to get off life’s hamster wheel and speak with your Creator and listen for Him to speak into your life. Covid-19 forced me to enjoy and now crave solitude.

4 Everybody Really is dispensable! While I continued working from home, I had people that continued the good work and the good word of Sugar Hill Church. I had friends that prayed for me, covered my bases, and did all manner of caring for me and feeding me. Thank You! I watched as my team functioned wonderfully. I saw them lead and lead well. I was blessed by how they were both concerned for me, but also how they were even more concerned about the health and ministry of our faith community. I felt missed but never required. I felt blessed and never completely essential. Jenny was amazing, as usual. She put up with my whining and griping and moody ways. The girls all checked on me, daily and my dearest friends were more concerned for me than they were for themselves when they had Covid. I discovered, and I’ll bet that you would as well; that you are not indispensable, but you are deeply loved and cared for.

There are dozens of additional lessons learned during my battle, but I’ll stop for today. Thanks to all of you that prayed for me and shared your kindness with my family!

Peace, Chuck