Achuckallen

Instigating Better

Lovers Spat

by

love-is-a-many-splendored-thing-poster-2

Spat! What an unusual word. It does, however, depict what two people that love each other feel like when they are in a lover’s, well, spat! I know when Jenny and I are in an argument, or feelings are hurt, or disappointment has happened, neither of us feels connected as we usually are and all of life is a bit out of sorts. I can honestly say that I hate it when we aren’t on the same page.

So, what do you do when you and your lover are “out of sorts?” Great question. Thanks for asking. Here is what seems to work for us, and might just work for you.

  1. Identify the REAL problem at hand. We often pile on in fits of anger or argument. What is the actual cause for the squabble?
  2. Why did it finally push the button to get to this point, to begin with? Most often, we don’t have lover’s spats over the big things. Those are too obvious and should be too easy to spot and avoid. And yet, I see plenty of folks with big issues. I do see far more couples that have a dozen little things that finally boil over into big deals and feuds.
  3. What is the solution that can get us to forgiveness or understanding?
  4. Somebody has to take the high road and be the grown up in the room.
  5. Try to remove the emotion and settle the problem. You can’t fix a problem while fixing blame. They don’t fit together.
  6. Agree to a solution and seek consistency so as to not have to travel that road again. I think that Jenny is incredibly patient with me, but if I continue making the same mistake or action, she grows less and less patient. Learn after one take. Stay consistent in your actions and reactions.
Marriages are made up of micro moves. The sum total of those micro moves equals the condition of your marriage. It takes two people to keep a negative, argumentative cycle going, but it might just take one person to stop it! Step up and stop it!
Here’s what I mean, if you are arguing about who does what around the house, like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc., change your roles and see if that makes it better. But here’s a thought – choose for seven days how you both wish to have your lives function. Agree on it, and test-drive it for seven days. Then either rinse and repeat or change again.
Here is an even better idea – Since you both choose how you will act and react to each other every single moment of every day, choose a lover’s attitude and:
  • If your lover likes gifts – buy a gift. Jenny likes flowers. What is your lover’s version of flowers?
  • If your lover likes sex more often that you do (what?) then choose to get your hanky-panky on tonight.
  • If your spouse loves words of encouragement, leave them a love note with encouraging words.
  • If your lover likes and craves affection, hold their hand, kiss them, and get all fresh with them, even where it might seem inappropriate – (just sayin)
  • If your lover wants, as Jenny calls it, full-faced-attention, put the phone or tablet down and give them your undivided attention.

I know this seems so elementary, but it truly is. When we love our love, even when they are irrational, and maybe even when they seem unlovable, it’s a powerful season in your relationship. 

Please hear me! I have not mastered this by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know this – When we all stop in our tracks and ask ourselves, “What am I doing to make this relationship work?’ and then act on those answers, it’s like the old song; “Love is a Many Splendored Thing.”

May You & Your Love be at Peace,
AChuck