Don’t Do It!

I often write about lessons I’ve learned or spiritual learnings with deep and sensitive truths that have been mined from the Holy Land with assumed wisdom. And then there are times that I just want to write a few things that are sincerely amusing.

Amusing, here we go!

I urge you to avoid these three things, whilst attending or speaking at a funeral. Avoid them at all cost:

1. Do not search for an address on your iPhone while sitting in an elongated funeral service. How and why do I offer this great pearl of wisdom? Sitting next to my bride, at about the 45-minute mark of a funeral being preached by an oddly proportioned dude, Jenny looks up an address of her friend that has purchased a new cabin near this quaint funeral home. Even with the sound off, her iPhone begins giving verbal commands on how to get there. After I return to the cold, hard pew following my heart-stopping leap, I realize that all the attention has left the long-winded, oddly proportioned fella preaching the funeral. Lesson: Just don’t trust any device at a funeral. There is danger lurking in that smartphone.
2. Do not attempt to personalize a story while giving a eulogy for a man that you do not know. Even if he is wearing a Georgia Bulldog shirt and holding a pair of NASCAR tickets in his cold, dead hands. When you mention that he might be yelling Go Dawgs from the 30-yard line in Heaven, someone might stand up, in the middle of the funeral and shout ROLL TIDE! After you gather yourself and prepare to close strong, do not go back to that well. After assuming he was a Jeff Gordon fan and sharing that he might be screaming at the 4th turn in Glory, the same voice from  about twelve rows back just might stand again and hail Go Dale Jr.! And when you have been corrected for those two disturbing misunderstood allegiances, do not be shocked when the song played as you exit the funeral home is, “I’m Not Good at Much, but I’m Good at Drinking Beer.”
3. Do not attempt to assist a man as he is butchering the Holy Scriptures while trying to give his recently dead friend a proper eulogy. You need to be prepared for when his tongue is tied in a fisherman’s knot and he offers, from the pulpit, “Ah hell, he was a good guy!” Once you have realized that he has escaped back into the pews, do not assume that although he is the last part of the memorial service, that the service is indeed ending. Be prepared for a very country singer to appear from the corner of your eye, ready to unload a powerhouse rendition of “Ain’t Gonna Bury Me There.” Just out of kindness, you must indeed bury this fella there, for sure.

Yes, these are just a sampling of true and accurate stories from the life of a Pastor. I’m so glad that I could lighten your mood on this beautiful Wednesday!

—Chuck