My Best Advice for Your Marriage
My Best Advice for Your Marriage by AChuckAllen
What an absurd title! My best advice for your marriage assumes that I’ve offered less than my best advice at some point! Seriously, here are six pieces of advice for married couples, in no particular order.
- Marriage is NOT 50/50! Marriage requires 100% of both people. There are only a few days that both spouses are capable of functioning at 100% simultaneously. That means that somebody has to pick up the slack. If your spouse is in the middle of a day that they can only bring 80% to your marriage, you’ve gotta deliver 120%. Therein lies the great challenge for many couples. Friend, listen! You will always and forever need to support and overcome the “marriage deficit” on any given day. That is the essence of love. It is the power of loving. And it is the heart of lovers. The willingness to be there and make up for the shortfall! Go ahead and do more than your part. Be all you must be in times that your sweetheart cannot. The payoff is huge!
- Stop Keeping Score! This is HUGE! If your spouse has an off day, don’t keep a record and determine that you are “due” an off day as well! If they spend some time out with friends, you don’t “deserve” time away for what you want. If they spend beyond the budget, you spending more isn’t helping. Here is the truth about score keeper relationships: YOU BOTH LOSE! Nobody ever wins in the game of score keeping in your marriage. Don’t start and if you already are, STOP NOW! Stand up and be the adult! As Bob Newhart wisely counseled – STOP IT! (Click here if you’ve never seen it)
- Reset Your Expectations! If you have ever assumed that your spouse “should know what they did” to disturb or annoy you – THEY DON’T! More often than not, the couples that find their way to my office for advice suffer from some degree of this truth. They feel, with great conviction that their spouse should somehow know what is going on in their head. This is not a female problem or a male problem, this is a problem. The assumption (regardless of how long you’ve been together) that any other person, including the one you are married to, has the magical ability to know what’s happening between your ears is preposterous! You can fix this by eliminating the emotion and conveying specifically what they have done. That way they can know what to do next…especially if you love them enough to tell them.
- Never Stop Dating! Everyone loves to be pursued! Yes, I know he doesn’t look like he did 30 years ago, but you don’t either! That means you are still perfect for each other! Treat your sweetheart like you still can’t wait to have dinner and a movie together! Always say “I love you.” Never stop going out! Always set a date for a date. The happiest couples are the couples that date regularly! It’s not always about money. Sometimes it’s the fact that you gave creative thought to the evening. Take your lawn chairs, get a Jimmy John’s sandwich and watch the planes land at Gwinnett or Peachtree-Dekalb. Or go to the mall, get an ice cream cone and watch weird people. Somebody is probably there watching you as well!
- Always! And I mean, Always Speak Well of Your Sweetheart in Public. That especially includes your family! Once you’ve painted a negative picture of your spouse, it cannot be erased. If you don’t have something positive to say about them…say nothing! The only exception to this rule is if you are in danger or being bullied and abused. If that’s the case, seek help ASAP! I cannot tell you how many folks have spewed anger and bitterness about their spouse – to the family – and created a wedge of mistrust that remains forever. Be careful about settling your private affairs in a public setting. You might paint yourself into a corner that you cannot crawl out of.
- Tell the Truth – All the Time! I think you get that one without translation or explanation!!
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep, your eyes close.” –from 100 Love Sonnets
–AChuck
21 Days of Good Vibes Day Two
We are off to a great start. If you missed yesterday, step back a day and catch up!
You can download Day Two HERE – 21 Days of Good Vibes Day Two
GOOD VIBES
Download 21 Good Vibes Day One
I kicked off a new teaching series at Sugar Hill Church yesterday entitled “GOOD VIBES.”
We all have a radar-like vibe that speaks volumes to those around us. Our vibe attracts our tribe, determines our jive and sets the course for our hive. We can choose the vibe or we can let others dictate the vibe, but we all have a vibe.
There is more than enough bad vibes in our day to day lives to sink our hearts into doubt, fear, and failure.But here’s the good news – YOU CAN CHOOSE GOOD VIBES TODAY!
I’m convinced that this crazy, messed up world would be radically improved if we simply chose to spread good vibes and less slander, gossip, and hate. I have seen first hand what choosing a GOOD VIBE can do for your soul!
Let me offer you a fail-proof way to choose a GOOD VIBE today:
- Choose to be GRATEFUL! When you are grateful for what you have, what you have is more than enough! Maya Angelou once said, “This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” That’s a GOOD VIBE, right? Jump into an attitude of gratitude and watch how it boosts your GOOD VIBES!
- Set Your Course! With great intentionality, set your course for the day. Read a piece of the Divine’s Word, have a chat with Him and declare what your vibe will be as He guides your day. There is a life altering principle in play here. Let the God of All Creation direct your day and all of creation will be a blessing.
- Serve Somebody! You don’t have to look very hard to find people in need. They’re everywhere. I know this to be true – Jesus said that if we want to be Numero Uno, we must choose to serve others! He went so far as to guarantee that if we would follow His example and choose to serve, rather than be served, we would be GREAT! How’d you like to add that to your resume? Just think what your resume would like with this added to it: Jesus, the Son of God and Savior of the world said I AM GREAT. You can choose that VIBE!
Will you consider joining me for 21 DAY’S OF GOOD VIBES? You can receive a simple, 10-minute direction for the start of your day that will set you up for some very GOOD VIBES! Each day, starting today, you will have a short Scripture reading, a brief commentary on that passage, a guided Gratitude Journal, a Declaration of your GOOD VIBES, a short prayer list and you are off to the start of some very GOOD VIBES. In less than 10-minutes each day, you can radically change the trajectory of your life! Let’s Do This!
You can find a digital, interactive version of GOOD VIBES on the SUGAR HILL CHURCH APP, or you can print the pdf version on my site by clicking HERE!
Let’s Spread Some Good Vibes, 21 Good Vibes Day One
AChuck
Sunday VIBES
IT’s SUNDAY & YOUR VIBE ATTRACTS YOUR TRIBE!
It’s Sunday, and that means you get to make another choice. Will you give an hour or two to worship the God of All Creation, or wait in line for your favorite place to grab a tasty brunch? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve opted for brunch before, as well. Nothing but grace from this pastor, especially when it comes to Sunday Brunch!
I really do believe that when we set aside our preferences, orthodoxies and hang-ups, we can give the Divine a brief time on Sunday Morning, don’t you?
Maybe you grew up in a church that left you a bit punch drunk from the guilt that pummeled your soul each week. Maybe church become cold, dead or boring and you just decided, “no thanks.” Maybe the church you were at suffered from bitter, angry folks that didn’t seem very “christianly” to you. I could go on and on with the problems.
But listen, friend. Worship isn’t about church politics, or who spends the money. It isn’t if you like hymns or songs or chants. Worship is about recognizing and honoring the Divine. If you worship with me, you can join in with sinners, hypocrites, complainers, whiners, thieves and liars! That’s when we can all say, as we greet each other at the door – “WELCOME HOME!”
–AChuck
Saturday Share with AChuck
Each Saturday, I enjoy sharing another author’s work that has sharpened or challenged me. I trust that you’ll enjoy it as well. Happy Saturday!
7 Habits of Irresistibly Engaging ConversationalistsWant to be a more memorable communicator? Here’s how to pull it off. By Kat Boogaard
Do you know those people you really enjoy talking to? The ones that make each conversation — no matter how long it is — never seem quite long enough? Chances are, that person is an extremely engaging conversationalist. He or she has the gift of gab, so to speak, and makes each and every discussion feel like an opportunity — rather than a burden. So, what exactly makes these people such a thrill to talk to? Why is chatting with them such a rewarding experience? And, perhaps most importantly, how can you be more like that yourself?
Here are seven habits that all engaging conversationalists share.
1. They listen. People who are skilled in the art of conversing know that it’s often more about listening than talking. As a result, they display genuine interest in what their partner is saying. They actively listen, rather than simply waiting for their own turn to speak. After all, the know that the more engaged they are in the conversation, the more engaged the other person will be.
2. They make eye contact. There’s nothing worse than speaking with someone who continues scanning the room or not-so-subtly glancing down at his phone. Skilled communicators understand the value of eye contact. When someone is speaking, they look directly at that person. This demonstrates that they’re devoting their full attention to the conversation. And, usually, they can expect the same in return.
3. They ask questions. As great as these conversationalists are at communicating, they also know that they shouldn’t be the ones doing all of the talking. They don’t want to monopolize the exchange, so they make sure to ask plenty of questions of the people they’re speaking with. Prompting the other person to dive deeper into certain topics shows that they’re interested in engaging in a two-way discussion, rather than standing on their soapbox and blabbering on about themselves.
4. They go beyond small talk. Most memorable and impactful conversations typically don’t revolve around small talk pleasantries — they tend to go a little deeper than those surface topics and niceties. The most engaging conversationalists aren’t afraid to stray away from the standard starters and chat about something a little more substantial. That’s when the most noteworthy and meaningful conversations happen.
5. They tell stories. There’s nothing more interesting than an anecdote, which is why so many expert conversationalists weave them into even the most seemingly dull conversations. Most expert communicators are also wonderful storytellers. Stories are not only entertaining and attention-grabbing, but they also help to bring some much-needed context and detail to situations that could otherwise feel far away or completely intangible.
6. They’re animated. Telling a story is one thing. But, if you recite it in a monotone voice with a deadpan expression on your face, you’re still likely to bore your conversational partner to tears. The most impactful communicators aren’t afraid to get a little theatrical with their delivery. They don’t go overboard to the point of being distracting. But, they also don’t hesitate to make use of appropriately-timed facial expressions and hand gestures to bring their statements to life.
7. They keep things moving. In theatre, there’s something often referred to as “dead time.” This is the short pause that occurs between scene changes. Too long of dead time, and you risk losing the interest of your audience. Engaging conversationalists apply a similar rule to their discussions. They know if they take too long of pause, they could derail the focus and attention of their conversational partner. So, they keep things moving along without taking lengthy breaks or spending too much time on dull topics.
We could all afford to be a little more engaging in our conversations. Fortunately, it’s doable. Implement a few of these seven habits, and you’re sure to have a more productive, impactful, and memorable discussion.
Good stuff, right?
See you tomorrow at SUGARHILLChurch. Our live Worship Gatherings are Sunday Mornings at 9:30 & 11:00. You can join us live, or streamed live on Facebook or online HERE.
—AChuck