AChuck's Top 10

I read where many institutions of higher learning, like Harvard, Yale, Columbia, and Cal Berkeley excused students from finals, as they were too emotionally distraught over the presidential election and its outcome. Are you kidding me? Nope! No kidding. 

Clearly we are part of a unique season in American politics, but overwhelmed to the point that you cannot participate in an exam? This all started with participation trophies, ribbons, medals and moral victories. Here’s a life lesson to cling to. Once we grow up, we occasionally lose. 

When Jenny and I were dating (kinda), I joined her at one of Sam and Abby’s swim team matches. Having never done any swim team parent duty before, I was amazed that every single kid won a ribbon. If you were in the pool. You won a ribbon! How about that! If you couldn’t swim, you won a ribbon. 

Yes, they were different colors, but really? One Mom, came up to Jenny in a panic, as her precious child had not received a ribbon. When Jenn asked what the darling little ones name was, it became apparent that he had been in the pool one time, finishing in the lower third of his “race.” Jenny, being the pragmatist that she is asked, “what color would you like?” Blue seemed to be his favorite color and he was awarded a 1st place blue ribbon…bless his heart. 

By my math, the little boy is old enough to have voted in his first presidential election this week. I’m willing to bet that he was too distraught to attend class or show up for his part time job. Oh wait, he doesn’t have to work, he’s on a government subsidy that funds his education. 

Okay, I know that was an unnecessary rant. Thank you for enduring it. I feel much better. 

Every kid should be affirmed and encouraged, but not coddled. Every kid needs to learn how to win with humility and lose with class and dignity. I’ve won and I’ve lost. I’ve voted for winners that were losers, and for losers that were winners. I’ve been the best player on some bad teams and one of the worst players on some great teams. And! I am better because of it!

Disappointments are a part of life. Sometimes you win, and other times you don’t. Many of my failures have been my greatest times of personal growth and development.         So, if you are stressed out about what is to come, suck it up! Put on your big boy pants and do something to make this life better. Nobody has ever changed the world with a whine. President-elect Trump might be a disastrous leader. He might also be awesome. Either way, he won. 

The more we allow our kids to fail, while under our roofs, the more productive they will become to our society. It’s okay to lose, especially when it stings a little. It’s the universe’s way of humbling us and simultaneously motivating us. 

Go to your version of class, and take your exams. If you want a different elected leader in a few years, work for it to happen, or stay out of the pool. There are still situations where losing really occurs and it sharpens us, betters us, and prepares us. 

Oh, by the way, if this post has offended you, just tell me what color ribbon you would prefer. 

— Chuck

The pic above is from August 2011. That is the day that Sugar Hill Church allowed me to become their pastor.

Most of you know that Jenny and I have six daughters. Count them – Amy (married to a great guy), Sarah (busy career girl), Amelia (married to a great guy), Julie (another busy career girl, with a great boyfriend) Abby (college sophomore and Phi Mu girl) and Samantha (college freshman and Phi Mu girl). That’s a lot of joy, a lot of celebrations and a lot of heartache, pain and fretful nights.

God says that kids are a gift from the Lord. Well, let me state on this side of parenting; There were days when I thought we won the booby prize and not the jackpot! And I’ll bet you have too. Parenting children isn’t for the faint of heart. But I love my kids with all my heart!

At infancy, they can challenge your sanity.
At elementary school, they can drive you to drink…more.
At high school, they disown you publicly and abandon you in your home.
At college, they discover a whole new world, with a new set of consequences.
At marriage, they return to you (on their terms).
At children, they need you more than ever.
At your time of physical breakdown, they will love you more than ever.
At your death, they will remember that you loved them every day.

Like I said, it’s not for the faint of heart.

But kids are a gift from the Lord. They will break your heart and leave you wondering what you did wrong. They will make stupid choices because they must know more than ever knew. They will date people that make your skin crawl. They will do things, say things and become things you swore your kid would never do, say, or become. Your kids will do things that you could never have imagined as you strapped them into the car seat for the first time leaving the hospital.

But there will also be times when you see them trust God, live for God and love their family. You’ll rejoice as they celebrate as a family, when they need your shoulder to cry on and when you offer a heart of loving wisdom listening to them explaining why their heart is broken.

Here are two ways to avoid Heartbreak Hill with your kids:

1. Grace, Grace and More Grace! Extend grace in love, forgiveness and in correction. When they are 30, you will be so glad that you did.
2. Consistency! If you want to see your kids grow into the man or woman God intends them to be, you must model consistency in your attitudes, habits, language and spiritual development. The fastest way to lose your child’s adoration is to be inconsistent in your walk with God.

Children have a BS meter that can read you from a hundred meters. They crave your consistency. If I could change one thing, and only one thing in my parenting, I would intentionally focus on a consistent walk with God.

When some dude preaches my funeral, I sure hope my kids don’t remember how I served the church or gave them cool gifts. I pray they would say that their daddy loved them and never stopped loving them. I pray that they would say “my dad loved God because I saw that in him.” I pray that they remember the countless games I sat on a field or a gym watching them. I pray they will remember that I was there for them. I pray that their reflections of their dad will be filled with the realization that I treated them like the treasure they are, for God has blessed me with great kids and now with super-cool grandkids.

I love you, girls!

–AChuck and Daddy

I never understood the challenges of blending families until Jenny and I blended six daughters. That’s right, six girls! Me and my two daughters married Jenny and her four daughters as four of the girls were teenagers, and two were in elementary school. Wow!

We were totally overwhelmed within hours of “I do.”

All of the emotions, the hurts, the insecurities, the pain of moving two families from what was to what is – well that’s not for the timid and fearful among us! Each spouse has hurt and fear and a former life that they bring to life’s new party. Every child brings their concerns, previous experiences and expectations to the party. Put all of those into a blender and push the “smoothie button,” and just watch the mayhem.

Ten years later, here are seven things I’ve learned. Two of our girls are now married, two more have finished college and succeeding in their new lives, and two more are in college. We now have five grandkids, and life is really great, but we sure learned the hard way. Here you go. Proceed with caution!

1. Don’t expect the kids to be on board with the new numero uno in your life. Regardless of what they say to you, every child is wrestling with what this means to them. They are not remotely close to thinking what is best for the greater good of the new family.
2. Stop trying to accommodate everyone. Can’t be done! The more you try, the more you create a chasm of unmet expectations. Just “fess up.” You are not Superman!
3. Don’t ask friends that have never tried to blend for advice. The information you desperately need requires a new and exotic set or parenting rules. Most of them are written and hidden in some deep cave in the Amazon, not available to you. But you can create new friends that have been there, and done that.
4. Try to say the same thing to everyone at the same time. Calendaring is harder, communications are more challenging, and speaking with clarity is virtually impossible. Kids don’t mean to be manipulative; it comes naturally to every child older than 4. I’ll promise you that you think you can talk to “your kids” and your spouse can talk to “their kids.” NOT TRUE! Say the same thing, with the same inflection and same body language, or you will pay the price.
5. Commit to telling and displaying (for your kids) that your new spouse is the new number two (right behind God). And they are number three. You will be tested on this (daily). If you cannot commit to it, don’t get married. Keep the drama down and just “date.” Everybody will be happier. But if you do jump into blending, jump off the high dive and get a wedgie. There is no kiddy pool involved here.
6. Be consistent in your correction. Just because you disciplined “your way” in your previous life doesn’t mean that it will work in your “new chapter.” Set ground rules. Live with them. If you want to call an audible, speak first with your head coach (spouse). Determine the outcome together. You’ll eat far less crow and you’ll limit the drama by at least 50%.
7. Stop getting bent out of shape about things aren’t significant. Things like former traditions can be incorporated into new traditions without burning the bridge. How you vacation isn’t going to reshape your life. The fact that you do everything different than your spouse’s former mate means nothing. Get over it! Focus instead, on spiritual consistency, loving communication, prayerful parenting, and more patience than you believe possible. Just take a breath and trust the One that brought you together.

There are hundreds of lessons learned over the past ten years, and we are still learning more every day. 

But if the Divine has brought you a new chapter and a new love, He can and will carry you through “the blend.” Let Him!

—Chuck

 

 

I’ll never forget it. The day that I realized that I was FAT! If you’ve never been there, stop and thank God, right now. I wasn’t always overweight. As a matter of fact, I was a good athlete, an active kid and never had to shop in what used to be called the “chunky department.” By the way, the older I get, the better I think I was! Now we use terms like “extended sizing.” It sounds so much better unless you need to extend your size!

But this isn’t a lesson on weight, health, exercise, or diet. Today’s writing is a short thought on how we talk to folks about whatever their insecurities or challenges might be. I cannot count the times that someone felt the necessity to refer to me as “Big Guy or Big Boy.” I love this greeting, “well you haven’t missed any meals, have you?”. I know what it’s like for folks to watch you coming down the aisle of a plane (in sardine class) and virtually hear them praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let him sit next to me.” I had a guy find me one Sunday after preaching and was passionate when he told me that I looked even fatter on the big screens in our Worship Center. Last week, a well-meaning church member found the only overweight coach on the Georgia Bulldogs sidelines, grabbed a screen shot of the coach and posted it on FB as “Chuck Allen, Pastor of Sugar Hill Church and Offensive Coordinator of the Georgia Bulldogs.” Just blessed my heart. I’ve lost close to 70 pounds over the past two years but have a long way to go. I can promise you, like most folks, I do not need any reminders of my insecurities.

My point is this. All the teasing and well-meaning encouragement cannot be heard if all you offer is something that stings. Every person I know has some measure of insecurity. Maybe it’s social status, education, money, organizational chart location, or weight. Maybe it’s receding hairlines, job displacement, or any number of emotional or mental challenges. Here’s a thought – Stop telling everybody that has something you don’t have what they have! 

We can influence with encouragement, or we can tear down with sarcasm. We can make the world better with a positive word, or join the fray, get in line and bash somebody else. We often have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life. So before we throw out a line that’s cute or humorous (to you), ask yourself this question – Would I want them to call out whatever my insecurity or challenge is? Just be kind. It’s a lot more fun and a great deal more encouraging.

Anybody can care less, or be rudely cute. Why be anybody?

-Chuck